


To Love and To Be Loved

by jaehyunnova



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), original character - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Hate, Heavy - Freeform, Hurt, Jaehyun - Freeform, Love, Original Character(s), Romance, Sehun - Freeform, Short Story, Smut, arrangedmarriage, arrangedmarriageau, bestfriend, bestfriendau, fast paced, jaehyunxoc, sehunxoc, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 14:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 46,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17266124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehyunnova/pseuds/jaehyunnova
Summary: A dysfunctional arranged marriage founded on the grounds of friendship, business, and love. What happens when the love is regrettably one-sided and infidelity comes, crashing the already complicated and miserable whole ordeal of a narrative?





	1. To Love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: *mention of anxiety; mention and implication of rape
> 
> Hi, this is jaehyunnova from AFF.  
> This 2019, I've planned to share my stories on AFF to other platforms to reach more people and meet new friends.  
> I hope the stories I have yet to share will bring you some entertainment. =)  
> To Love and To Be Loved will have bonus chapters coming soon on AFF. ;) <3  
> You can hit me up: https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1739112

“Eun Ae, come on now you turtle head. We’re going to be late!”

“Oh crap!”

It was 6:30am and here they were sprinting to the bus stop, sweating with disheveled hairs. This was the normal routine Eun Ae and Jaehyun have ever since they entered high school. Jaehyun, her best friend, would always drop by her house to fetch her as they go to school together by riding a bus.

He has been doing this for her ever since her father walked out of her life four years ago. Her douchebag father had an affair with his colleague and decided to leave her and her mother hanging in the air wondering how they would go about life as he brought with him all their fortunes.

She was devastated when she knew the news from her mom, who went home with a tear streaked face on a Friday night. But Eun Ae has no time to mourn over the news when she was too preoccupied taking care of her mother who was losing her sanity over the unfortunate event in their lives.

Every day, all she ever thought of was how she hated her father and how she loathed cheating to the bones.

She did not understand why her father would have to go around her mother’s back and see another woman when he was still basically married.

For Eun Ae, she could accept the separation if her father chose to divorce her mother before seeing someone else, but no he did not. That asshole. He chose to make her mother feel less of what she truly was. His infidelity kept her mother up at night, questioning her self-worth and why she was not enough.

As days and weeks passed, her mother seemed to lose more and more of herself to the point she tried to take her own life, leaving Eun Ae mortified with the scene before her.

At that time, she was thankful that Jaehyun was there for her. Their mothers were the best of friends who had each other’s backs ever since they were young just like how she and Jaehyun were.

Ever since then, his family took care of her as if she was their own until her mother had fully recovered, and until Eun Ae ultimately and irrevocably fell in love with her best friend, Jaehyun.

“Goddamnit! My hands are being squashed by this freaking bus door already. Eun Ae! Are you coming or not?”

“Coming!”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Jaehyun, what the hell! No foods allowed, can’t you read that, you moron?” Eun Ae hissed with the softest voice she could ever have. They were in the library, doing a trigonometry assignment when her best friend sneaked in some chips in his bag, and began eating like a spy, looking here and there as if trying to be caught with his obvious actions.

“Oh, come on, there’s no fucking way they would see me.”

“Oh yeah, they won’t see you but they would hear you. You eat like a goddamn pig! At least, close your mouth!”

“Whatever you say sunshine!” She heard him yell earning them a “be quiet!” from the librarian that made them laugh.

“Gosh, Jaehyun what are you even doing.” She teased him, slapping his arms lightly.

“Eating.”

“Wha—”

She was immediately cut off when Jaehyun tugged her wrist, slinging their bags on his shoulders and forced her out of the library. “Let’s play some basketball.”

“Oh god no.”

“Oh god yes.”

Having no other choice, Eun Ae found herself inside the school’s gym picking up the basketball balls Jaehyun was throwing.

“You said, we’re going to play basketball!”

“We are playing basketball," He said as if he was stating facts.

“We’re not! You’re the only one playing while here I am picking these goddamn balls for you!” Eun Ae screeched, throwing the ball as hard as she could towards Jaehyun.

“Oh, easy there sunshine.” She heard him chuckle but she was not having it. He took away her trigonometry time and now here he was making her pick up all those goddamn balls. She was caught off guard when a pair of arms wrapped around her and a sweaty body was flushed against hers. “Okay, don’t be mad anymore. Come on, I’ll help you shoot.”

Her heart was beating rapidly she almost thought she was going to faint with the way her ticker hammered against her chest. With the way he hugged her, she never wanted to play basketball anymore. She just wanted to stay in his arms all throughout the day. She always felt this funny weird feeling whenever she was with Jaehyun, and she knew what it meant. She loves him. She loves him more than a best friend.

Goddamnit, I’m fucking in love with this moron.

“Hey, sunshine are you okay?”

“Yup! Now teach me how.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yup.” Eun Ae said, trying to mask the lonely tone dripping from her voice. It was her birthday, yet here she was sulking in their house. Her mother was busy, building their company to provide a better future for her ever since her father left.

She was happy that her mother has already bounced back and feeling much better, but at the same time she could not push down the loneliness that creeps into her bones once in a while, having no one by her side to take care of her. Sure, she has Jaehyun’s parents to turn too and she was very thankful for that, but receiving parental love from her blood-parents was still much different from that.

Heaving a sigh, she closed her eyes shut as she plopped to her bed lazily. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone and all she ever wanted was to sleep—to bring all her loneliness to sleep so she does not need to be bothered by it. A shriek escaped her lips when she felt being lifted from the bed and found herself being carried on Jaehyun’s shoulders.

“Jung Jaehyun! Put me down!”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No.”

“Jaehyun, I’m not kidding you better put me dow—aww! What the hell!” She screamed when she felt a pang of pain on her butt cheeks. Her cheeks immediately flushed at the thought of what happened.

He spanked me! Good lord!

“Shut up. We’re going to have fun, okay?”

“What do you mean?” Eun Ae nervously exclaimed as her imaginations swamped her.

What the hell is he planning?

“We’re going to have fun.” She heard him say cryptically and Eun Ae could feel her heart hammering against her chest.

“Jaehyun! What are you planning—aw! Hey! Stop that!” She yelled bashfully as he spanked her for the second time.

“Stop asking me questions then. Just trust me, you’ll enjoy this.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Aaahhh! This is so fun!” Eun Ae screamed as she lifted her hands in the air, feeling ecstatic as the wind slapped her face. “Jaehyun, oh my god! This is so fun!”

“I’m glad you’re having fun.” She heard him say as he intertwined their hands together, holding onto the barrel that kept them safe as they went higher.

After the teasing a while ago, they were now in an amusement park enjoying every ride there was. Jaehyun was true to his words when he told her they were going to have some fun, because she surely did. It has been a long time since she stepped in this kind of place. She has no courage nor will to even go to a place like this when all she could ever remember was the face of her father happily strolling with her.

She used to love amusement parks because this was where her father would always bring her. Her mom and dad would always find time to visit this place as their family bonding, but all these were now buried down to her heart. Something she would never dare to dwell into, something she considered as a waste of her time.

Just then, she jerked a little, definitely startled when she felt his thumbs on her cheeks, wiping away the unknown tears that spilled from her eyes.

“Did he cross your mind?”

She heard him say and she just nodded her head in agreement. Truth be told, she could not hide anything from him. Jaehyun always managed to see through her and it was something she did not know if she should be thankful for or otherwise. Because if he could easily see through her then that meant most likely he knew her feelings for him. And she did not know whether that was something she should be happy for.

She could not afford to risk anything she has as of the moment. She could not risk losing someone she holds very dear when she could barely count them with her fingers. She could not lose her best friend. She could not lose Jaehyun.

“Don’t worry, I’m not like him and I’ll always be here for you,” He assured, cupping her cheeks and looking at her ever so gently before placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. “Forever. I promise.”

(Song: ► Collapsed by Natalie Taylor)

 

And as always, Jaehyun was true to his words. When he said he would be there forever for her, he really did, especially when they were just a month away in celebrating their 2nd wedding anniversary. For the people around them, they looked like the perfect couple having the perfect kind of relationship everyone would envy.

But the truth was they were not. Not when their marriage was founded on the grounds of business alone.

And my one-sided love for him.

A lot has changed after the years that have passed, especially between Eun Ae and Jaehyun. They were more mature now and they had been reaching and living their dreams. She has always thought that the marriage between them would make them even closer but she was wrong. Because the moment they said their “I do”, she lost her best friend, completely.

“Eun Ae, congratulations! Where’s your husband?” her train of thoughts was cut off when a business partner approached her. A party was being held today for the new accomplishments of their company; hence their business partners were all around, greeting and congratulating them, especially her husband.

“Oh, hi, thank you very much, Mr. Park. It’s nice to have you here. There he is.” Eun Ae said, pointing at the man who had his back at her and was wearing a black tuxedo. “I’ll bring you to him.”

The walk towards her husband seemed to be one of the longest and painful walk she has ever did. It was like crossing the path to hell, leaving her with bruises, burnt wounds, and holes here and there.

“Mr. Jung, my pleasure to meet you.”

“Mr. Park, the pleasure is mine to have you here.”

“Your business is soaring greater heights, congratulations.”

“Your wife brought me here with you. By the way, who is this woman you’re with?” their business partner asked, and Eun Ae felt her body froze and her heart stopped.

“She is my assistant.” She heard him say with a strained voice.

Eun Ae has always believed in Jaehyun and his words as she always did back in those days when they were in high school. She has always put all her trust in him, knowing he was one of the most important people in her life that would make sure she was happy and very much okay.

Just as she trusted him, she also trusted his words, knowing fully well that he was always true to his them. However there was one thing he failed to do. 

“Mr. Park, I’d like you to meet Daeun, my assistant.” Jaehyun said, as the woman unclasped her arms around him and extended her hands to their business partner before giving a radiating beautiful smile.

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Park. I’m Daeun Kim, Mr. Jung’s assistant.”

Eun Ae felt numb at that moment. She was used to this. She should have known what to expect. This has been happening throughout their marriage.

Assistant? No, she’s his mistress.

Eun Ae felt her breath got stuck in her throat, knowing fully well what their situation was. Just then, reality seemed to kick her back in her own dark void where her unfortunate narrative lies, closeted and hidden from everyone else to know of.

Jaehyun lied to her when he promised her that he was not like her father. He lied when he said he would not be like her father, who was a cheater. He lied, because right after the day of their wedding ceremony, he began seeing his ex-girlfriend behind her back. He began seeing Daeun, who was now his assistant and mistress.

“Mrs. Jung, are you okay?”

She was pulled back to reality when their previous partner shook her shoulders lightly, asking her if she was okay.

“Yes, I’m okay.” She said, plastering a smile towards the man who seemed to be more worried for her than her own husband.

“Mr. Jung, why don’t we get some drinks by the side and meet the Kangs?” She heard Daeun said, and by that tone alone Eun Ae knew that his husband’s mistress wanted to take him away and flaunt her to his colleagues and business partners like how he used to.

“Excuse us, Mr. Park.” She heard her husband say, as he placed his hands above the arms of her mistress which was dangling on his arms before striding away from her.

A pang of pain creeped into Eun Ae’s heart as she watched the both of them walked away from her, looking very much ecstatic as ever. She should not be feeling this anymore. She should have been used to this. This has always been happening constantly for two years right before her eyes. She should not get hurt anymore. She should have been numb by now with all the atrocities committed by those two against her.

Eun Ae felt her eyes sting as she watched Jaehyun and Daeun laugh while holding onto their champagne glasses. She wanted to swat those hands away from him forever, but she knew she could not. Not when Jaehyun valued Daeun more over her. Any moment from now, she knew her tears would dampen her cheeks and she could not let that happen. Not when she was still in the middle of the party with so many business partners around who always looked up to her and her husband. Not when all these people thought they were so in love with each other. Not when they did not know that their marriage was only for business purposes and her husband has been committing infidelity since day one.

Eun Ae immediately walked away from the party, holding her head up high and giving smiles and glances here and there just so the people would not get suspicious over what they have. Finally reaching their lonely garden, she chose to slump back and gazed at the stars painting the lonely night horizon as she let the tears ran down her cheeks.

She never cried in front of Jaehyun ever since she found out about his affair. She could not bring herself to be honest with him about her feelings when he broke her trust. She could not confide with him anymore like how she used to when she could not see the best friend she had in the years back. She could not breakdown in front of him and feel star naked before him when she did not know him anymore. Not when he was not the best friend she knew. Not when he was not the best friend she loved. Not when he was not the Jaehyun she loved from before.

In that moment, she reminisced how their marriage even started. Back in those years, Jaehyun and Daeun were still in a relationship when his parents’ business began falling apart. They tried everything they could to save it but all those did not work out, leaving them with one choice—marriage.

They needed a legal binding between another family who could help their business rise once again and stand firmly on its own. As soon as this news reached Jaehyun, he immediately turned it down, not wanting to leave the relationship he had with Daeun, and his parents respected him.

As a best friend, Eun Ae tried all her best to help them—help the people whom she considered as her family, and the person whom she loves with everything she have got. She talked to each and every business partner they have to propose a joint business with the Jungs but failed. Even as a CEO, she even went down on her knees to beg their associates to venture into the business of the Jungs and even to the point of flexing her muscles to gain more partners that could help the falling business to stand once again. However, her efforts went down the drain when no one wanted to risk their fortunes to help the business that was already losing its footing.

One day, Eun Ae went to Jaehyun’s house and told him that the only thing that could help them was through a legal binding of businesses through marriage. Right then and then Jaehyun refused to do so and firmly hold his ground. However, after a few months she found him succumbing to the last resort not wanting to watch idly as his parents’ hard work burn to ashes.

And with that, they found themselves getting married. Truth be told, Eun Ae was happy but a feeling of doubt swamped her, knowing Jaehyun was in love with someone else. But she threw all those doubts when Jaehyun assured her that he was going to do everything to make their marriage work days before they held their wedding ceremony. And as a best friend, who knew him all her entire life, Eun Ae believed in him, trusted his words, and gave away everything she have got.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly not until they reached their shared house. She was baffled when Jaehyun looked enraged more than ever as they walked towards their home.

 

(Flashback)

 

“Jaehyun, is something wrong?” she asked, walking towards him who was by the front door, looking furious.

“Is there something wrong?” He asked sarcastically, banging the door shut and making her startled. “You don’t know what the fuck is wrong?”

“Jaehyun, what’s the matter? What’s happening?”

“Fuck off!” He yelled, pushing her away with force, making her fall to the ground. “I trusted you, Eun Ae. I fucking trusted you! You know how much I love Daeun, and you still did this to me?!”

“What are you even saying?” She asked, baffled. She did not know neither what was happening nor what Jaehyun was accusing her of. “I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up! Cut the bullcrap now!” He roared, pulling her up and pushing her against the door, and pinning her wrists above her head. “You planned this. All of this! You wanted to take advantage of the situation and have me stuck with you in this bullshit of a marriage!”

“I did not! What are you even saying?!” She countered, as the tears swelled up her eyes and anger and fear wrapped her heart. “Jaehyun, you know me! You know I won’t do that! Where did you even get that?”

“Right, I know you. I know you so much. I know you love me more than a best friend would!” He exclaimed, making her freeze. “And you know I don’t fucking love you the same! And I know how manipulative you can be to get what you want, using those goddamn fake fucking tears. Stop crying it won’t help you get away from this!”

Eun Ae bit her lips from trembling as she digest and take in everything he just said. She was his best friend who has been with her all those years and that was what she thought of her? A manipulative bitch who would use her sufferings to chain a person with her? Did he mean she was emotionally blackmailing him for all the years they shared? Did he think of her that low?

“What? Cat got your fucking filthy tongue?”

“All the—these years, you think of me like that?” She asked softly as tears dropped one after the other. She felt her heart twinge when all she heard was a sardonic mocking laugh.

“Why? Aren’t you like that? I was there for you all those fucking low years of your life and this is how you repay me?”

“How many times do I have to tell you I didn’t plan this!” She shrieked as sobs wracked her body.

“Oh stop it you, bitch! You’ll see how I get angry,” He taunted making her freeze. “Having a child is one of your dreams, right? Now you’ll get one.”

“Jaehyun! Stop! Don’t do this to me!” Eun Ae yelled as loud as she could as he dragged her towards a dark room. “Jaehyun, please! Don’t do this! Stop!”

“Shut up! You fucked my life, now I’m going to fuck yours.” He said, sounding almost like a promise before pushing her on the bed and did the most disgusting thing she could ever imagine.

That was the day her pleads fell into deaf ears and her virginity got stolen by the man she has ever loved. She always wanted to have a child but never in this way. She always wanted to surrender her virginity to Jaehyun but not in this way. Not how he forced himself on her and took everything she have got—her body, her soul, and her heart. And that was only the start of her suffering from the marriage she thought would have been her happily ever after but turned out to be the vicious nightmare and lonely battle she was never prepared for.

 

(End of flashback)

 

As the sky began to cry just like she did, Eun Ae chose to go back to their shared bedroom and get some rest she badly needed. The party was over and it was close to midnight, and their bed surely has been calling for her.

As she strode towards their bedroom, she halted in her steps and felt her heart break into pieces. Another set of tears streamed her eyes as she heard the filthy moans and groans from the bedroom, and she definitely knew who they were. As sobs escaped her lips, Eun Ae brought her hands and covered her mouth as she leaned against the door, hearing the sounds that ultimately killed her in the inside. Strength left her body and she found her legs wobbling till she sat on the floor in front of their bedroom.

She should have been used to this. She should not feel any kind of pain anymore. This was not the first time it happened anyway. This has always happened ever since Jaehyun decided to stop seeing Daeun behind her back and rather bring her home and fuck her in their shared bedroom. This has always happened every time the moon and the stars painted the horizon above. This has always been his constant reminder that he would fuck her life, that he would never love her like a woman, that he would always see Daeun as his rightful wife, that she was nothing but a toy he could play with.

If Eun Ae was wise, she would rather go upstairs, cover her ears and let sleep engulf her. But no, she was not. She was dumb. She was an idiot. She chose to settle in front of the door and continuously watch as her heart break into a million pieces for the nth time. She chose not to cover her ears and rather overhear the sins of her husband. She chose to stay and suffer.

The only time she decided to run upstairs to another bedroom was when anxiety shook her to the bones, her mind close to blacking out, and her lungs losing the air it needed. She needed to get away and save herself. But more than that, she needed to run away and not let Jaehyun see her like this. He did not know that his infidelity had already taken a toll to her limits that she eventually found herself emotionally unstable anymore. But he did not know it. He did not know that she was suffering from this. How would he, when she always chose to wear a mask, plastered with a soft endearing smile signifying she was okay, that everything was okay.

If Eun Ae was wise, she would have left him since he raped her. But no, she was not. She was more than an idiot. She was a fool for the sake of love. Because up until now, here she was clinging onto the wishful thinking that maybe someday, somehow, somewhere along this rugged path they were taking, they would eventually find each other again, arms wrapped around one another, eyes dried with tears, lips on each other, and heart bounded as one.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Put that down, you’re going to tire yourself,” Jaehyun said as he took the dirty plates from Daeun who was sitting by their dining table. The two of them were having breakfast when Daeun planned to wash the dishes like she used to. “Let me do it.”

“But baby, I’m okay. I can do that.”

Eun Ae was baffled with the view before her as she stood by the stairs, holding her phone as she planned to contact their parents to move the family dinner since Daeun was still there. Daeun has always washed the dishes but this was the first time Jaehyun stopped her from doing so.

Did I miss something? Did they fuck too much last evening that she would be so tired to wash the dishes?

“No, it isn’t okay. Not especially for our baby.”

And right then, her phone crashed to the floor as her hands went cold, gaining the attention of the two people in their dining room. Her breath got caught up in her throat and tears swelled up her eyes with the news she heard.

She’s pregnant?

“Oh, Eun Ae you’re there,” Daeun chirped but Eun Ae’s eyes only focused on Jaehyun who looked shocked before returning his stoic face, immediately recovering.

“She’s pregnant?” Eun Ae asked incredulously with a shaky voice as she strode towards Jaehyun. “Tell, me, are you the father?”

“Of course I am! Do you think she just go around and fuck someone else?” Jaehyun roared as he shot her down with slithering gazes.

“Baby, stop. Don’t be like that.”

“No, I won’t let this manipulative bitch talk about you like this!”

And just then, she found her hand meeting Jaehyun’s cheek with a loud pack echoing the room. Her lips trembled and her lungs seemed to be punched, rendering her breathless. She looked at the man in front of her whose face was still shifted to the side, remaining the way it was when she slapped him. Her gaze studied that man who looked shocked before he averted his eyes back at her with a demonic glare that soon disappeared and turned soft.

She knew those eyes. Those eyes belonged to the person who had her back when she walked towards her new beginning after her father left. Those eyes belonged to the person who stood by her when no one would. Those eyes belonged to the person who was her best friend. Those eyes belonged to the person whom she loved. Those eyes belonged to the Jaehyun she knew before.

“How could you even do this to me?!” She yelled hoarsely. “Are my suffering still not enough?!”

“Tell me!” She shrieked as she hit his chest tirelessly and the tears poured from her eyes. “Why?! Why?!”

After two years, this was the very first time she ever cried in front of him again. This was the first time she allowed him to see how broken she was. For the first time in two years, this was the first time she told him off and let him break her sturdy, tall walls.

She continued hitting him as her sobs and whimpering shook her body, which was trying to help her relieve her pain. More than the hurt her hands were feeling as she continuously pound them on his brick-like chest, the hurt and pain in her heart just could not compare. She could not take this. She could not take how he could do this to her. She was still her best friend after all. And more than that, she was still a human who gets hurt.

It pained her more knowing how his mistress would get to live her dreams of having a child. Yes, Jaehyun would still fuck her from time to time especially when he was drunk and Daeun was not around but never did those deed resulted to a child in her womb.

Eun Ae knew she could no longer take this. She knew she has to run away. She has to flee from this pain. She has to leave this place as soon as she can.

And making up her mind, she instantly ran upstairs, grabbed her car keys and wallet, and head down again picking up the almost shattered phone settling on the floor and jumped to her car leaving the hell hole she has been stuck with, leaving the cause of pain seeping into her bones, leaving the people who continuously hurt her, leaving the person whom she loved the most, leaving her husband and his mistress, and definitely leaving Jaehyun shocked, confused, and regretful.

Eun Ae sped up her car with blurry eyes, shaking hands, and shattering heart and eventually fled the city. She drove mile after mile until the sun decided to go down. She drove until there was still a path to go on. She drove until she found herself in a secluded beach, which she ended up staying in.

She booked a room in a hotel beside it before throwing away everything in her hands to the lonely simple bed in front of her.

And with that, she decided to breakdown, alone.  

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

As the sun left the horizon and the moon and the stars stole its rightful place, Eun Ae found herself crouching in the corner of the dark hotel room, mind racing with the miserable events that took place in her unfortunate life, heart falling into minute irreparable pieces remembering the mournful news she received earlier on, and throat closing with the lump of breath caught up within it.

She basked in pain as she berated herself with multitudinous questions about the choices she had made, actions she had done, opportunities she did not take, feelings she had suppressed, and rights she had thrown away by the window as self-doubt began to consume her.

Was this how love meant? To give everything you have ‘til you have nothing left within you? To lose yourself somewhere along the process and reach a point where you could never return?

Was love supposed to take away everything from you and leave you with nothing else but a broken non-functional heart shattered into a million pieces?

Did love intend to break all your principles? To have you turn your back from everything you believed in? To make you numb and dumb enough and pay no heed to every hurt that came along with it?

Was this the love everyone was talking about? The feeling of being blind to all the atrocities done against you, the feeling of having to act deaf from all the spiteful words and sounds that certainly break you little by little ‘til they successfully kill you?

Were all of these parts of love?—of loving?

Was love supposed to hurt you? To let you bask in pain as agony seeped into your bones, in your veins, in your bloodstream, in your heart, in every single cavity there was in your body?

To make you feel worthless, unwanted, and not enough? Was bringing yourself to question your self-worth somehow a part of love?

Did it have to make you sleep with your eyes open as your endless nightmares, insecurities, and anxieties haunt you?

Did you have to constantly keep yourself up at night and wonder what was wrong with you, why were you not enough, what did others have that you do not, and why could you just not be accepted and be—adored?

Was love supposed to make you beat yourself up every single day the sun decided to rise?

Was it all supposed to be like this?

Did love mean finding yourself in the dark, crouched in a corner, alone, and bawling your eyes out every time the stars and the moon rose to the horizon?

To be dishonest even with yourself and live a life full of lies? To suppress every other emotion rising up in your heart in front of the person you hold very dear, and make a fool out of yourself?

Was it love to sport a fake smile and say you were okay even though you were not? To take every bruising blow to your ego, to your self-esteem, to your self-preservation, to your heart, but still bring yourself to plaster a smile?

Was love supposed to make you wear a mask and deceive the people around you that everything was okay, that you were okay?

Did you have to stay put and let the immense burning of your throat, sweating of your eyes, and breaking of your heart beat you up and ultimately kill you?

Was the pain I have been through called love?

Was this what really love meant?

That love was all but unending suffering, desolation, heartache and grief?

As these questions swirled in her head, Eun Ae took a deep breath and right there and then, she let the impending tears she has been holding back to spill out from the corner of her eyes. Like a dam that broke its walls, teardrops ran and dampened her cheeks, flowing endlessly until her shirt got drenched. Her body shook uncontrollably as loud sobs escaped her lips, making it harder for her to breathe.

After all these years of taking and keeping it all to herself, everything she has been religiously hiding just exploded all at once—anger, jealousy, helplessness, guilt, desolation, agony, loneliness, yearning, you name it and she has it—all the way down closeted to the pits of her heart.

She felt her throat burn and her stomach twinge with the constant sour flashbacks swirling in her head. She wanted to cry, to vomit, to let loose of everything holding her back. She wanted to disappear, to run away, to forget, to take a step forward—she wanted to leave this place—everything—and everyone.

She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them as if her life depended on it. She has no one else to go to, to confide with, and to suffer with—but herself and herself alone. The thought of what love was made her head throb.

Was everything I have been suffering love all along? Was that what love meant? Because if it does, then I don’t want to love nor to be loved.

And once again, she let herself loose—to break free—to send forth every hurting inside her body that have her inner self killed.

Eun Ae found herself lying on the floor, on her side, knees brought to her chest, hair tangled in a mess, eyes red with the constant wailing, lips continuously quivering, head painfully pounding, and heart ultimately shattering.

She stayed in that position until the darkness eventually swallowed her whole, sleep totally engulfing her—licking all her wounds until they eventually healed—saving her from all her miseries—and keeping her safe from all the things wanting to haunt and hurt her.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

Eun Ae was strolling by the beach basking herself in broad daylight, when she met a little girl playing in the sand. After spending days after days of crying her eyes out in the hotel room, she decided to go out and relieve everything she had been feeling—even for a little bit. Being locked in a four-walled confined space almost drove her crazy, and she knew she badly needed to escape from it.

Crouching beside the little girl, Eun Ae was curious as to what must have taken the interest of the innocent young one. There she saw nothing but millions of particles of sand sprawled everywhere and shaped into different forms. With nothing very much eye catching or entertaining, she furrowed her brows, extremely baffled with the little girl’s excited and ecstatic appearance.

“Hi, there sweetheart. What are you doing?” Eun Ae asked as she sweetly smiled at the little girl with pigtails dangling from her head.

“Family.”

“Family?” she queried with furrowed brows before giving a swift sweep of the formed figures before her eyes, “Oh, are these your family?”

“Yes! Momma, Dada, and Baba,” the girl happily exclaimed, bouncing on her feet, pigtails whirling in the air, and a striking genuine smile curving her lips. And by the tone alone, Eun Ae could not miss the joy flowing within the little girl.

“Are you that happy?” she asked, quite dumbfounded as to how excited the little girl was with the abstract looking sand figures before her, “Why are you so happy, sweetheart?”

“Because family love.”

“Um, family? Love?”

“Mmm. Love!”

A crease on her forehead formed as Eun Ae tried to decode and fully understand what the little girl was trying to convey.

Did she mean she loves her family? Or was it love equates to family?

As funny as it sounds, she found herself immersed with the girl’s answer. It was a simple response—a very simple response for that matter, yet here she was having a hard time comprehending what the little girl truly meant.

As Eun Ae tilted her head by the side and continued to grasp the little girl’s statement, her eyes lingered on the sand figures before her and the young girl who looked very much ecstatic dragging a branch on her hand as she relentlessly brought it back and forth, left and right until she was satisfied with the abstract kind of art she did.

The little girl was doing nothing out of this world, yet she was unbelievably looking jovial, satisfied, and triumphant.

Thereupon, Eun Ae wished she were a child again where everything was pretty much simple. Everything could make her happy in a single instant—a smile on a stranger's face making her day, ice creams right away lifting her up, ruffling of her head making her feel she had done a very great job, a kiss immediately making her feel loved, a hush calming her down, a simple touch taking away all her pains, and coloring books, unsharpened pencils, and broken colors as the only problems she had to deal with.

Why do people have to grow up? She asked herself. Why do people have to leave the peaceful stage of life only to be thrown out into a warzone of misunderstood emotions, unreturned feelings, wrong decisions, wasted chances and unequal opportunities? Why do people have to walk out from their comfort zones and explore more of life when everything within their own personal circle of safety was enough? Why do people have to suffer?

Eun Ae was swimming in her thoughts when she felt a hand on her cheek, rendering her stupefied.

“Why Nana cry?” the little girl asked whose brows were furrowed and was now crouched in front of her.

“Huh?”

And just then, Eun Ae watched as the two little cute hands of the little girl covered and caressed her cheeks, wiping away the unknown tears that were streaming down her face.

“Don’t cry, Riri here,” the little girl said, moving towards near her even more, and although Eun Ae could not understand what the young girl uttered she felt warmness hugging her, basking her with feelings of safety, calmness, comfort, and affection.

Momentarily dazed of what the little girl had just done, Eun Ae found herself sobbing even more as the feeling of being cared for shook her to the core. She did not know that a simple gesture from a little girl would make her feel everything she has ever wanted, everything she has ever been wishing for—to be looked after, to be cared for, to feel of being worth it of someone else’s affection.

Why is love too hard for me to find? Why can’t I just feel this, have this, received this from the people I have always wanted to give this to me? Why can’t I be loved? She continued berating herself.

Eun Ae thought she could never cry even harder in her entire life. But she was wrong, because the moment the little girl jumped to her chest and encased her in a hug; she felt the bounds in her body break all at once and like a kid who saw her mom after a long tiring day of being separated from her, she abruptly returned the embrace and let the tears swelled her eyes as she held onto the little girl as if she was her lifeline.

This was everything she ever needed ever since she left the house. All she ever needed was someone whom she could embrace and cry on, someone she could confide with, someone she could hang onto, someone who could care, someone who would spare her a minute and ask her what was wrong, someone who would stop by her and tell her it was okay—that it was okay to cry, that it was okay to let it all out.

And all these, she found in the tiny naïve girl who seemed to be having no clues as to how dreadful, unfair, spiteful, and hurtful life was. And it was okay, it was entirely okay, because even for a teensy moment, Eun Ae was able to let loose of everything inside her. She was able to expel every hurt, every doubt, every question tucked away deep within her, and she felt free—she felt okay, she felt more than okay.

As the incessant humming of the little girl soothe her all the while the little fingers caressed her back, Eun Ae’s relentless sobbing died down little by little until there were no more tears spilling out of her eyes.

“Nana okay, now?” the little girl asked, lifting her head up from Eun Ae’s chest and subsequently meeting the latter’s eyes.

“Yes, sweetheart. I’m very much okay now,” Eun Ae replied, giving a genuine soft smile and ruffling the little girl’s hair before planting a chaste kiss on the young one’s head as she wiped away her tears by her arm, “Thank you. Thank you for your time.”

She was savoring the hug wrapping her body that she got startled when a manly voice passed by her ears.

“I guess, you’re okay now, aren’t you?”

She heard, and her head immediately snapped to the owner of the voice only to be shocked as to what she saw.

“Baba!”

The little girl yelled, immediately untangling herself from their hug and jumping to the man crouching beside her. As Eun Ae swiftly eyed the man, he seemed to be the same age as her, and she could tell that he might be a model with his almost perfect physique, toned body, and handsome face.

“Easy, little flower, these might slip from Baba’s hands.” The man gently said, accommodating the little girl between his legs and stretching out his arms for the ice cream cones not to fall.

Eun Ae was dumbfounded when the man looked at her and outstretched his arms and hands, seeming to offer her an ice cream cone.

“Here, take this,” the man offered, giving her a soft smile and handing her one of the ice cream cones in his hands. “Words may fail but I’m sure ice creams don’t.”

“A—ah, thank you.” She shyly replied with her head down, wrapping her hands on the cone and taking it away from his hold. Their hands slightly brushed and Eun Ae felt the man jerked a little like he was lightly electrocuted, making her eyes shot up from the ground and look into his to assess if he was okay.

Her eyes immediately met his dark brown ones that were quite dilated. Eun Ae titled her head to the side as if asking what was the problem and the man only coughed and cleared his throat before tugging his lips upward. Their eye contact instantly broke when the little girl spoke which made Eun Ae froze in place.

“Baba, Nana cry” the little girl confessed, licking her ice cream as she settled herself on the man’s lap. Eun Ae blushed at the young girl’s sudden revelation and brought her head down. She felt shy and right at that moment she wanted to run away, not wanting the man to ask her if it was true.

“I know little flower,” the man answered, and Eun Ae instantly looked at him with her mouth agape. The man shifted his gaze from the little girl on his lap to her before scratching the back of his head, “I actually saw everything. I’ve been standing by the side for quite some time.”

If Eun Ae wanted to run away just a minute ago, now she wanted the ground to open up and just swallow her whole. The fact that a stranger saw her bawling her eyes out like a pig ready to be killed any minute from a while ago embarrassed her. He must have seen the sobs wracking her body and with that thought alone she felt stark naked before a stranger.

Eun Ae immediately squeezed her eyes shut and shifted from her crouching position ready to stand up when the man suddenly held her wrist, halting her from doing what she has earlier planned.

“Stay. Don’t worry, I’m keeping your secret,” he said, tugging her wrist and gazing at her with sincerity twinkling in his eyes, “Stay with us for a while.”

“A—ah, um… I—I have to go—I”

“Nana, don’t leave. Riri sad,” the little girl cut her off, placing the little fingers above the man’s hand which was tugging her wrist.

Eun Ae felt conflicted; she wanted to run away and hide in her room and never see the man ever again but at the same time she did want to leave the little girl who stayed by her side as the pain engulfed her minutes ago.

A sigh escaped her lips before slumping herself back on the sand, comfortably sitting beside the two strangers she found today.

“Yehey! Nana stay!” the little girl yelled, jabbing her fists in the air, and Eun Ae could not stop herself from looking at her with a smile on her lips. The young girl looked gleeful and Eun Ae failed to stifle the chuckles that left her lips as her gaze lingered on her earlier companion she was very thankful to.

“Eat up. You’re ice cream is melting.”

Her gaze abruptly left the girl and now settled on the man smiling at her whilst pointing at the cone in her hand. She gasped when she saw the sweet delicacy turning into lousy liquid, making her immediately stuck her tongue out and trace the little drops from her hand to her cone. She moaned at its sinful sugary taste, assuredly filling her up with giddiness.

Though she was now a grown ass woman, Eun Ae was still an ice cream slave; the cunning saccharine still makes her happy but unfortunately this time, it does not take away the pains lingering in her body.

She was too caught up devouring the ice cream to her heart’s content that she missed the unwavering soft gaze the man beside her was giving her. The only time she casted her eyes away from the sweet foodstuff before her was when the little girl spoke again.

“Why Baba, Nana look.”

Eun Ae was confused when she saw the little girl’s finger pointed at her whilst looking at the man, who seemed to be caught off guard as his eyes shook tremendously, like a criminal caught in the act. She even furrowed her brows when the little girl giggled, making the man blush.

Was something wrong?

And like a balloon that suddenly popped, she realized that she still has not introduced herself, yet here she was eating an ice cream that might not have been supposed to be hers.

“I—I’m sorry! I took your ice cream,” she stuttered, wincing as she looked at the man beside her who was looking at her with sheer amusement, “I—I, um I’ll buy you one when we—”

“That’s for you, so just enjoy it.” The man said, smiling at her as he hugged the little girl settling on his lap who was now slightly dozing off, eyes closing and opening, and hands losing hold on the sweet treat. He snatched the melting ice cream from her hand, finishing it up before carefully shifting the little girl into a more comfortable position, “You seemed like you needed it.”

Eun Ae just nodded her head and gave him a slight smile before plopping down back to her previous position, feeling very much embarrassed as of the moment. She put her head down and glared at her ice cream, feeling quite relieved that she did not steal his cunning saccharine, yet still feeling very much abashed. She felt her cheeks became warm, and she knew she looked like a ripe tomato ready to be thrown in La Tomatina.

Curse you, you evil sweet foodstuff.

“I saw you with my sister a while ago, and I was thinking of approaching the both of you but when I saw her hug you, I decided not to intervene.” The man started, cutting off her thoughts and seeming to want to have a conversation with her, “I hope my sister didn’t bother you or anything of that matter.”

“Oh, no—no. Absolutely not,” she defended, waving her hands in the air in a No sign before looking away, “She actually did something for me, and I was very thankful for it.”

Eun Ae heard the man hum before silence hung in the air. Therewith, she did not know what to do—does she have to tell him what happened? Does she have to tell him she was crying and her little sister was there to comfort her? It was giving her anxiety and her ice cream was melting because she could not bring herself to eat it as the questions filled her head.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He said not looking at her, fixing his gaze at the vast, peaceful body of water in front of them. Not knowing what to reply, she stuttered, blurting out indecipherable sounds as she tried to answer him as politely as she could.

But before she was able to find the right words to say, the man shifted his head to her direction, giving her a smile before a soft chuckle escaped his lips, “Don’t think too much. Your ice cream is melting.”

And probably for the nth time today, she gasped as her ice cream was now looking very much battered and lonely as it oozed out of its cone. She heard him chuckle but paid no heed to it as she licked the vanilla all the way down to the very tip of the cone. Once successfully cleaning the brown enticing tip, and finishing up the whole sweet treat, she gazed at the man beside her and smiled tenderly.

“I was actually crying and your cute little sister was there to comfort me,” she eventually confessed with a smile on her lips whilst looking directly at his eyes. Taking a sharp deep breath, she pursed her lips into a thin line, shifting her gaze somewhere else before looking back at him and shyly chucked, “I guess you know that already,”

She heard him hum and saw him nod looking as if trying to find the right words to say.

“Family. Love.”

Eun Ae heard him say, making her gape at him. She furrowed her brows as the man had his eyes now focused on the little girl on his lap.

“I heard you were asking my little sister what she meant with the words family and love.”

“Oh.”

“You seemed baffled when you heard her say those. May I know why?”

“It was just, um—I… I guess, I was curious as to how those two words made her look ecstatic,” she honestly admitted, fidgeting the hem of her tank top, “I—I don’t know why, but those simple words were too hard for me to comprehend. Hmm, maybe because I didn’t have those.”

From the corner of her eyes, Eun Ae noticed how the man stiffened before he dragged his eyes on hers. In that moment, she felt even more shy. It was like she was fully undressing herself before someone she did not even know—not even his name to begin with. The fact that she was opening up to a stranger felt weird but nonetheless very much comforting.

Not wanting to speak another word she kept mum, keeping her eyes down, although she was actually very eager to know what the little girl really meant, rendering her startled when the man broke the silence between them.

“Family is love, and love is family.” He started, dragging his fingers along the sand, creating lines and figures along with them before stopping as a heart was formed from the sands, “That’s what Yeri meant. She found love within her family, hence she considers family as love—and that’s us.”

“Can you tell me what love is?” Eun Ae hopefully asked, making the man confused as a line formed on his forehead, eye brows scrunching. Lifting her gaze up in the beautiful horizon before them for a short while, she immediately bore her eyes to the man beside her as if telling him she was serious. And not even after a heartbeat, her attention was fully captured by the man who spoke.

“Tell, me what you know about love.” He said, returning the gaze she was giving him, “Let me know what you know about it, and I’ll tell you what I know about it.”

Biting her lower lip and shifting her gaze down to the millions of sand particles underneath her, Eun Ae tried to remember what she thought about love, what she felt about it. As she reminisce the things she went through in her whole lifetime, she tried to mentally list down the meanings she learned about what love was and it all boiled down to one definite, vague meaning.

“Frankly, I don’t know much about love. All I know is that it’s a deep affection you feel towards somebody,” she truthfully relayed, scratching the back of her head as she heard him hum, “But I do have lots of questions about it though. Can you answer them for me?”

“Shoot.”

A grin spread on Eun Ae’s lips, feeling sanguine that she would now get to learn more about this strange, overrated, emotion. She was happy to know that she found someone she could ask as to how and what that feeling really meant.

But above all, she was expectant to know if what she knew about it and what she all have went through were love all along.

“Did love mean giving everything you’ve got?” she started with an excited voice as she gazed back at him with a smile, hands settling at the hem of her tank top.

“Hmm. Yes, you usually tend to give everything you’ve got for the person you love,” he answered in light voice and Eun Ae found herself nodding before eventually losing the smile on her lips as the man gazed back at her with a beam, “But not to the point where you won’t have anything else left for you.”

As if being able to see through her, the man’s smile vanished slowly and his eyes immediately narrowed on her, “Yes, love is trying to give everything you have, everything you got, but not exactly to the point you’ll even lose yourself. Because by the time that happens, you’d no longer be able to give love anymore, and you won’t even get to embrace the love to be given to you. When you lose yourself, you consequently lose everything you hold very dear—and that includes your heart, and the ability to seek, to give, and to accept love.”

Silence hung in the air and only the crashing of the tranquil waves could be heard. Because in that instant, Eun Ae was frozen in place, the time seemed to stop and so did the wheels working in her head as the man’s words swamped her off of her feet.

Did that mean I was wrong in giving away everything I have? My heart, my body, my soul, and even my dreams? To throw away my principles and turn my back from everything I believed in? I guess…I guess probably yes.

Taking a deep breath and blinking her eyes repeatedly, trying to recover from the big wave that crashed before her feet, she continued, “Does pain come along with love?”

The man stared at her and titled his head as if trying to digest what she just asked, “Yes. Just like life, love isn’t always about rainbows, and butterflies, and unicorns. Pain does come along with it. Loving can sometimes bring pain, but often times it makes the love stronger.”

He said, before shifting his gaze back at her, “But this does not necessarily mean that pain should always be present. It usually comes and goes, but never should it stay. It must not. You can never really call it love when all you ever feel is agony. Love doesn’t work that way.”

For a brief instance, Eun Ae felt her eyes become hot as tears formed in the corner of her eyes. Suddenly, she felt like being choked as her throat burned and a knot twisted in her stomach. Her lips quivered, and she knew any moment from now she could burst into tears, and she did not want that. Holding back the teardrops and the ache throbbing within her, she sniffed her nose and looked up to the sky, silently wishing the salty droplets in her eyes would not drop.

“B—by any chance, was love supposed to change you?” she courageously asked with a trembling voice, swallowing the lump in her throat before biting her lower lip to stop it from quivering.

Eun Ae was too focused in managing her emotions from rupturing that she missed the sympathetic look the man sitting beside her was giving her. She failed to notice how his eyes lingered on her face and how he seemed to have seen through her that he knew where all of these questions would eventually end up to.

From the corner of her eyes, he saw the man brushed the little girl’s hair before hearing him letting out a breathy sigh, “Yes. Love changes you. It usually turns you into a whole different person you never knew you would be. It’s like out of nowhere, you just find yourself believing in things you previously don’t even give a single fuck to begin with. It basically morphs you into some kind of person who truly accepts the flaws of the person you hold every dear. And you feel very much complete just to stand by their side.”

“Love,” he trailed off, making her shift her whole attention to him, carefully dragging her eyes to look at him but not letting the salty droplets from the corner of her eyes to spill, “Love is supposed to change you into a better you. It’s supposed to make you happy without any kind of reservations. Love is supposed to make you, not break you.”

And just then, Eun Ae could not anymore manage to see the man clearly as her vision turned blurry. Blinking her tears away and inhaling deeply, she tried to talk but she could not utter a single word as pain constricted her throat, rendering her breathless and immobile.

She knew she has to at least say something just so the silence would not settle in the air between them, she did not want him to feel awkward, she did not want to put him in such an uncomfortable situation but at the same time she could not bring herself to utter a single word, fearing that sobs would rather escape her lips and make their situation worse.

Her breath got stuck in her throat when the man placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled her head close so it rested on his shoulders, “You’ve worked hard.” He said softly. It was barely above a whisper and was just enough for her to hear, “You must’ve been keeping it to yourself for so long. Cry it out, because you don’t have to keep it to yourself any longer. Let it all out. You have my shoulders to cry on.”

And with that, Eun Ae let loose of the pain she has been holding back. Her chest constricted and allowed the agony trapped deep within her to escape, and just like that, the tears streamed down her face and the blood-curling whimper shook her body. How many days has it been yet here she was still crying her eyes out.

When will these goddamn eyes stop sweating? She asked herself as she basked with suffering.

She knew her weeping would lead to nothing because in the end, her pitiful situation was still kept hidden in the bottom of her heart, concealed and buried for others to take notice and know of. Crying her eyes out could do just enough to somehow relieve her suffering, but it could never set her fully free.

She knew she has to tell everything she has been feeling. At one point, she knew she would eventually reach her limits—and that might have been today. She knew that sobbing would not do enough if she continued to bottle up the unfortunate narrative of her life.

And like a kid who was treated unfairly at school, she sprinted to her safe haven and went to confess everything that had happened to the person whom she bumped into, a person whom she considered as someone who would listen.

Harshly wiping away her tears with the back of her hand, she began to tell the stranger beside her what she was going through—her miseries, her life story.

“I—I’m in love with someone I’m married to,” she started to confess, “But sadly, th—this marriage of ours is one sided. He—he was my best friend, my comrade, my partner in everything—he was my savior. He was there when my father walked away from my life, he was there when I had to stay alone at home because my mother had to work and give me a better life, and he was there when no one could—when no one would.”

Eun Ae took a number of sharp, deep breaths, trying to catch the air her lungs badly needed as she continued to rub and drag the back of her hand to her face to wipe away the unending salty droplets from her eyes. She felt his hand rub her shoulder as if trying to soothe her—to tell her it was okay, that she could go on, that he would listen.

“And just like that, I fell in love with him. I lo—love him, so so much. An—and I thought he does the same, I thought he felt that same. But there came a time when he told me he has a girlfriend, that he loves her more than anything else, and it broke me. But I accepted it—I took it in positively. I still stayed by his side even—even if it was hurting me. However, a time came where their family business was failing and there was no other way to save it but by means of marriage—and, and it was a marriage between him and me.”

Trying to drag the back of her hand to her face, she felt the man tug her wrist and immediately squeezed her hand tightly. “If you’re going to wipe them away that way then just better don’t. You’re only hurting yourself even more.”

He said, before placing his hand on her head, pushing and burying it down to his chest. “We’ll wipe your tears later. You’re hurting your eyes with what you’re doing. For now, just use my shirt.”

Eun Ae found herself sobbing even more with his actions before continuing, “I wanted to help him, his family—they were like my family too. I tried everything I can to help them—without having to marry him but there was no other way to. Our businesses had to be legally tied together for theirs to rise and there was no other way but marriage. I talked to him about it and he outright refused, but—but there came a point where he gave in, not wanting to see all his parents’ hardships go to waste, so—so we entered this marriage even though business is its major prospects.”

“I—I knew, I knew all along that he loved me too but—but as a best friend, and nothing more nothing less than that. Bu—but in this marriage, I expected him to treat me well—to at least treat me with respect but no! He did not!” she screamed, letting out all the frustrations she has been keeping.

“He knew how much I loved him—how much I loved him more than a best friend but he paid no heed to it, and it was okay, it was entirely okay because I kno—know he loves someone else. For two, f—or two whole years of this marriage, he was seeing his ex-girlfriend. A—at first he was seeing her behind my back but there came a time when he started bringing her to our house, flaunting her at events, fucking her in our shared bedroom and treated me as if I was his mistress. I—I just wanted to be treated with respect—wh—why can’t he give me that the least? Y—yes, I wanted this marriage but not entirely because I wanted him for me. I wanted to help them, to save them. The—they were like my family too. An—and god knows how much I tried to help them without this kind of legal foolish binding—how I went down on my knees to our business partners to lend them a helping hand, how I flexed my muscles to get support from other businesses in helping them to stand firmly once again, b—but they weren’t enough. We were okay before the wedding ceremony and even days before the e—event, he even promised me that he’ll do everything to make this work—that he would try to love m—me, he gave m—e assurance, and as a best friend who knew him since we were little I—I gave him all my trust, bu—but by the time we went home after the ceremony something within him just changed, as if something snapped and I didn’t know what it was and the marriage that I’ve always thought to be my happily ever after tuned into the vicious nightmare I have never expected—something I was not prepared to battle.”

Eun Ae’s eyes hurt with the incessant weeping, her throat burned more than ever as the agony settling in it tried to bolt out from the constricted space, her heart twinge and seeming to reach the point where it would be cracked in two, and her stomach bitterly twitched from all the miseries she has been trying to take.

“I—It’s okay if he wouldn’t love me more than a best friend, it’s okay, that’s okay because I’ve accepted it, I did, I—I really did. And it was entirely fine if it is one-sided—that this love—this so called marriage is one-sided, bu—but all I ask for is some kind of respect. For him to treat me as a human who has feelings, that—that I also get hurt, that I also have pride within me, t—that I’m not a kind of toy he would just dispose when he’s tired of playing with. Is—is that too much to ask? I took all the bruising blows he gave me, I—I turned a blind eye to all the wrong things he has done against me, I—I acted like a deaf, not hearing all the spiteful words and sounds that tore me from within, I—I accepted everything, everything. All I’ve ever wanted ever since I entered this marriage is for him to at least love me again, just like how he did when we were best friends. Is—is that too much to ask? A—am I asking for too much?”

Eun Ae continued wailing until she felt everything within her was gone—feeling numb, feeling lighter than ever as she was able to share to someone what she has always been keeping, feeling very much lightweight as she relieved the heaviness once thriving in her ticker.

As tiredness seeped into her bones and darkness came for her and coaxed her to come with him—to rest, to heal, to feel okay, to feel brand new once again, she felt herself eventually surrendering.

But before her eyes completely closed shut from everything, she felt the man sitting beside her brush her hair away in a very soothing way, and the very last thing she could remember was him telling her, “You weren’t asking for too much, if you’d ask me. But maybe, maybe you might have been asking the wrong person all these years.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

Eun Ae woke up still sitting by the shore but in a more comfortable position compared to before she drifted to sleep, her head still resting on the man’s shoulder, but this time one of his arms wrapped her torso while the other settled on his knees. Slightly squirming from his hold and squinting her eyes open, she saw the beautiful sunset before her eyes, embracing her with so much warmth and hope.

“Feeling better?” she heard him ask, and she nodded her head in agreement, but still not pulling away her gaze from the art of nature that rendered her speechless. They stayed like that for minutes, enjoying the mesmerizing sundown performing right before their eyes before she realized that the little girl was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Yeri?” she asked, nervousness and worry dripping from her tone as she sat up straight, moving away from their previous quite intimate position.

The man chuckled and only shook his head, “She’s with Mom and Dad, don’t worry.”

An assured sigh escaped her lips before she brought her knees to her chest. Settling her chin to her hand placed above her kneecap, she took a deep breath before uttering the words she has eagerly wanted to tell the man, “Thank you. Thank you for listening.”

She heard the man hum before a smile broke in her lips as he spoke, “I have the entire week to listen to you if you want to.”

Eun Ae chuckled before shaking her head, “Thank you, but I guess I’m now fine. I’ve never felt this light, and free to be honest. Thank you.”

Shifting her gaze back to the man who saved her day, she gave him the sweetest, gentlest, softest, most genuine smile she could ever sport, “I never knew opening up to a stranger would be this good. Why does is it feel like this?”

She was slightly confused when the man looked very much immobile and seemed to be frozen in place when she looked at him.

Was my smile that creepy?

She winced at the thought before hearing the man chortled. “Because we are strangers,” he said, making her tilt her head to side, trying to figure out what he meant, “We’re strangers with no connection, strangers with no relation, strangers with no history, and strangers who don’t know each other.”

“There are things you can’t tell to the people whom you care for because you don’t want to worry them. And that’s the reason why opening up to a stranger is sometimes easier—you can just spit out everything you wanted to say as quickly as you can.”

Momentarily dazed as to what the man said, Eun Ae found herself smiling and nodding back at him after getting to fully understand what he meant. It was true, there were a lot of things she could not confide with her mother—the only person she has in her life. Eun Ae did not want her mother to know what she was going through—that history repeated itself and this time it was her daughter who was suffering the same fate as hers—to be cheated on by the person she hold very dear, the person she called as husband.

She did want to worry mother, but above all she did not want her mommy to remember the past she had already buried, the past which inflicted her enormous pain, the same past which almost took her life. Eun Ae did not want to disappoint her mother when she promised she would never give away her heart so easily like what her mother did, that she would never condone cheating, that she would never let anyone take her for granted, and that she would never settle for a half-assed love she did not deserve.

She was very thankful she met this man and his little sister; they saved her—they saved her for today. They saved her from the miseries and agony she was drowning from, and she felt she owed them big time that she was still breathing, that her heart was still beating, and that she was still sane.

Her thoughts were cut off when his phone rang. As the man answered the person from the other line whom seemed to be his mom as she heard him called her, Eun Ae looked back at the dazzling sunset painting the horizon. The sight she was seeing was definitely breathtaking as the horizon of the above and the horizon below seemed to meet halfway. She loved how the sundown was reflected on the waters below, making it seem like another portrait of art.

“I have to go,” the man said, making her turn her back and face him, who was looking at her tenderly and was scratching the back of his head shyly, “You can come with me, if you’d like. My parents wanted to meet you, too, as Yeri seemed to have been having a non-stop blabbering about you since they brought her with them.”

Eun Ae only shook her head lightly, politely declining before letting out a giggle, “Thank you, but I’d rather stay for a while.” She said and looked at him, and she could see he was worried and was contemplating if he would go as his eyes showed anxiety, “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Go and see your parents.”

The man nodded his head before taking her full attention once again, “From a stranger to another stranger, I want you to know you deserve better. You deserve the most virtuous, sincere, true-blue, and authentic love there is in this world. You are more than precious and worth loving. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve. You are far more than that. And I hope you see that in you. Break-free from this, you don’t deserve this. You’re broken open, and that isn’t love. Love isn’t supposed to break you. I hope you don’t mistake love as anything but what you’re feeling right now.”

“Thank you,” Eun Ae said, as another set of tears pricked her eyes, but this time it was no longer caused by pain but an overwhelming feeling of being appreciated, of being seen as someone worthy, of being acknowledged.

Her lips trembled and before anything else, she stretched her lips into a gentle, sincere smile, “I’ll always remember that. Extend my gratitude towards Yeri. Kindly tell her I was very grateful to meet such a gleeful little girl, and I hope the sunshine within her will never burn out. I will play with her once we cross paths again.”

“And from a stranger to another stranger, I’d like to say thank you. You are a lifesaver. Ju—just thank you for saving me.”

As both of their gazes lingered on each other, taking the very last few minutes they could see one another ever again, they exchanged a known smile before bobbing their heads, an indication of their utmost farewell. When the man turned his back, Eun Ae consequently shifted her gaze back to the sundown.

Wanting to get a clearer view of the dazzling masterpiece before her, she ought to take a step forward to the waters. But before she could even take a step forward, a familiar voice hollered in the serene haven, making her halt.

“I don’t want to be a stranger to you; may I know your name?” He breathlessly but firmly asked.

“Eun Ae.” She yelled cheerfully before smiling even wider, “Kim Eun Ae.”

“Kim Eun Ae.” She heard him murmured softly over and over again as if chanting her name like a mantra, trying not to forget it. Before he could leave, Eun Ae yelled back, sounding more ecstatic than ever.

“And you?”

“Sehun,” she heard him say, “Oh Sehun.”

And with the last nod and last beam to each other they strode towards their separate paths.

As Eun Ae set her eyes back to the horizon, a knowing smile painted her lips.

Sehun. Oh Sehun. I hope one day we cross paths again.

Clueless to what was going on behind the man’s head she met today; Eun Ae did not know that the man just actually wished the same.

As Sehun dragged himself away from the shore, he found himself twinkling more than a star could.

Eun Ae. Kim Eun Ae. I hope we will come across again someday. And by that time, I hope you are already happy and loved.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

It has been a few hours now since Eun Ae stood by the shore and watched the sun do its leaving ritual. As her feet settled on the grainy sand, her eyes focused on the dancing sun, her mind was somewhere else, digging answers as to what she would do.

It has been a week or so since she fled the house of hell, and she has no clues on what to do next. As she tried to find the right answers to her questions, she backtracked every conversation she had with Sehun a while ago, striving to understand the heaviness of each and every word he told her.

Do I really love Jaehyun?

A moment later, Eun Ae found herself asking if she really loves Jaehyun. With everything she has been through and reaching her limits, it was surely the right time to know if everything she felt all along was really love.

And yes, yes she does. She knew she loves Jaehyun more than anyone and anything else in this world. She loves how perfect his face was—those eyebrows, his mesmerizing eyes, his pointed nose, his plump lips, his puffy cheeks, everything. She loves his physique—the broad shoulders of a soccer player, basketball player, and swimmer; his toned biceps; his six-pack abs; his thick thighs; those rough yet gentle hands of his, everything. She loves his voice—how soothing and healing it was. She loves how good he was in dancing, singing, and playing sports. She loves his prince like smile. She loves his laugh, his sneers, and his snickers. She loves his snores that echo through a tiring night. She loves the rare stutters he commits. She loves everything about him and everything he got.

She loves how he stood by her when she needed someone. She loves how he used to always calm her down when sobs wracked her body tirelessly. She loves how his thumbs used to wipe away her tears at night. She loves how he used to encase her in a hug every time she needed it. She loves how he used to make her happy. She loves how he used to sing to her to make her laugh. She loves how he used to take her in the amusement park and spend the whole day being gleeful until they drop dead from tiredness. She loves how they used to spend some time in the library at school and read books all the while sneaking food. She loves how they used to stay back in the gym after class to play basketball. She loves how they used to go to the beach with their families and enjoy the warm of the sun. She loves how they used to play soccer at school and feel happy going home with scratches here and there. She loves how they used to play in the rain freely enjoying the tears of the sky above. She loves the endless bickering and sarcastic conversations they used to have. She loves how they used to share everything and not keep secrets from each other. She loves how he used to care for her, how he used to love her. She loves everything they had.

She loves the playfulness within him. She loves seeing the child in him when no one could. She loves how he always tries to get the best in life, to experience everything in life. She loves the carefree person he was. She loves the caring and gentle person he was. She loves the dreamer within him, the dreamer who always tried to reach everything he could and be the brightest star in the starry night.

She loves making memories with him. She loves all the interaction, all the opportunities, all the memories they have. She loves everything about him—even his weaknesses. She loves how he sometimes loses composure and easily gets angered. She loves how petty he could get when it comes to things he wanted and loved. She loves how nervous he could get and how his body would shook tremendously and his sweat would drench his body. She loves the snarky attitude that used to rarely come and go. She loves how he back out at times as fear swamps him. She loves every minute detail about him, and she loves how she embraced his weakness.

But above all, she loves him as him. She loves the best friend she found him. She loves the Jaehyun she found in this lifetime. She loves Jaehyun. She loves being married with him, to have kids, and to have a family with him. She loves to have a happy and complete family with him. She loves Jaehyun.

Do I really?

And just then realization shook her to the core.

She halted in her steps and stood frozen by the shore, her feet meeting the small crashing waves of the sea and her body swaying in synchronization with each strong blow of the passing wind. Suddenly, the wheels in her head stopped working and a feeling of enlightenment washed over her. Her eyes shook and her lips trembled restlessly upon the realization that maybe—maybe she was not in love Jaehyun after all, but with the idea of falling in love with him, marrying him, and having a family with him—having a family of her own—a happy and complete family—a normal functional family she grew up not having.

As tears swelled up her eyes and immediately made a ran to her cheeks like runners in a marathon competing with each other to reach the final end, she tightly gripped the hem of her tank top and curled her hands into fists. No. She knew there was no way she does not love Jaehyun because if she does not, then what was the point of having to go through the pains and sufferings all these years? What was the point of sticking up with him although only miseries were the only things she gets from it?

Deep down she knew she loves Jaehyun—more than anything in this world. And it was just that the idea of having a family with him was a part of her fantasies in being in love with him. Yes, having adorable kids and a loving family of her own was one of her dreams, but Jaehyun was her dream—he was the dream. He was her utmost desire and everything else just came along. She knew she loves him down to the bottom of her heart. She knew she does.

But at the same time, now, she knew she might not love him that enough. No, right at this moment, she knew she does not love him enough because if she really does love him above anything else, then she would not cage him with her. She would never cut his wings and hold him back in soaring high above the clouds. She would never force him to stay with her in this loveless marriage they have. She would never separate him from the person whom he truly loves. She would never choose her own selfish desires over his. She would never let his unborn child see the world and live having a broken family. She would never let his child experience the same thing she did. She would never be the kind of person she hated the most. If she truly loves him, then she would make him happy, she would love to see him happy and even if that meant not being with him.

If she truly loves him, then she has to let go. She has to let go of him, of this marriage, and everything in between and everything they had and everything they have as of the moment. She has to set him free even if that meant breaking her heart again. She has to let him live a fulfilling life with his own family. She has to let him be a father to his child and a husband to the person whom he holds very dear even if that meant breaking their promised bond. She has to leave him be, with his unborn child, and with the person who should have been his wife in the very first place.

She has to do all these to make him happy, to see him happy again, and to tell herself that she truly loves him.

Gazing back at the beautiful sunset before her, a bitter, sweet, gentle, soft, and freeing smile painted her lips as the tears streamed down her face. She felt light as if a heavy blockage was removed from her shoulders that have been weighing her down. She felt light as if all the things she has been keeping were fully set free. She felt light as if her heart was now able to breathe again. She felt light as if the loose screws she had has now been replaced and keeping her intact. She felt light as if feeling brand new.

She felt light has finally shown her the right way to take on.

And she knew what to do now.

She knew the right thing to do.

Definitely.

At last.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

As Eun Ae strode towards the place she considered as her home for the past two years, she could hear people conversing by the living room, and recognizing those voices she knew they were her mom, Jaehyun’s parents, his husband, and his husband’s mistress, Daeun.

Mistress? No, not really. She’s the rightful wife.

Heaving a deep sigh as she took in the view before her, Eun Ae tried to memorize each and every detail that designed her home—every color, every corner, every nook, and every decorations hanging by it. Just by looking at the place she once called home, she reminisced every memory she had with it—both the good ones and the bad ones.

Time surely flies. Two years, two years of staying here: my safe haven and my hell hole.

She was two steps away from the front door when she stopped on her tracks.

It’s now or never.

Gulping the lump settling on her throat, she wore a smile as she opened the wooden barrier towards her reality—towards the freeing truth she was about to go to.

“Eun Ae! Where have you been?”

Was the question she was greeted with. Giving a swift gaze to her surrounding, she took note how the people in front of her looked very much distraught as if they have lost something very precious. Jaehyun’s mom was standing beside her husband by the sofa as he hugged her tightly, her mother looking very much surprised and relieved to see her as her mouth fell open, while Jaehyun looked incredibly shocked with eyes filled with worry as he stood by Daeun, who was rubbing his back.

“We’ve been trying to find you everywhere. We’ve been trying to contact you, too, but your phone was turned off.”

“We’re so worried. What happened?”

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I had a business to attend to. I kind of sorted some unresolved things about it, so it took me quite long to come back.” She said truthfully, pressing her lips together into a thin line and putting her head down before smiling apologetically back at the people whom she made worry.

It was the truth though. Sorting out her unresolved feelings was her business to take care of, and it really took her quite long to settle.

“You should’ve at least told us.” She heard him said hoarsely as his scrutinizing eyes bore on her. “We couldn’t sleep nor eat for the past few days because of you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why don’t we proceed to eat now? Dinner’s ready, anyway.” Daeun said, breaking the icy air between them as she brushed her hands on Jaehyun’s arms, trying to coax him to calm down. “Let’s go.”

A sinking feeling pierced through her as she looked at the both of them. A bitter smile escaped her lips when she acknowledged how good they look together. All these years, they still looked together and they seemed more as husband and wife than she and Jaehyun has ever tried.

As everyone proceeded to the dining table, Eun Ae was halted in her steps when her mother tugged her wrist making her gaze at her.

“Mom?” She asked, confused. But then, only silence was the reply she ever got as her mother did not respond and only continued to look at her as if trying to see through her—to see if something was wrong. With furrowed brows, Eun Ae was about to ask her mother again when she was immediately cut off.

“Nothing. Come on, let’s go.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Your 2nd wedding anniversary is near, what do you both want to do?”

Dinner seemed to be going smoothly, or that she thought, because the moment Jaehyun’s mom threw the question in the air, she found herself stiffening and the same time she noticed the other two did as well who sat beside each other in front of her.

Oh dear god.

Thoughts ran through her head, giving her a headache, trying to think of the most sensible thing to do at the moment.

“We haven’t talked about that, mom,” She heard him answer in a very strained voice, and this time she chose not to back him up as she gauge the situation, thinking if she should do it now.

However, even though she felt the stare Jaehyun was giving her as if telling her to say something; she chose not to mind him. She has been giving all the goddamn excuses for two years straight. She has done her share and it was his turn to do his.

Will this be the right time to do this?

“Then, I guess you two better talk about it as soon as this dinner ends. How about honeymoon part two? I’d like to have grandchildren soon.”

From the corner of her eyes, she saw how Jaehyun and Daeun stiffened if that were even possible when they were already frozen as ice in their seats since a while ago.

Closing her eyes, she asked herself what to do. But truth be told, she knew there was no need to think of this anymore when she already found the answer a few days ago. She knew what to say, she even practiced it in front of a mirror. And this time, all she ever needed was to spit it out.

Of course, it is. This is the right time.

“Mom, can you—”

“I want a divorce.” Eun Ae finally firmly said, opening her eyes and cutting whatever Jaehyun was supposed to say. As soon as she said those words, the only sounds she could ever hear were the deep gasps and clanking of the utensils.

“W—what?”

She was expecting their parents to be baffled but never did she expect that Jaehyun would be shocked as well.

Did he think I could take all of this until I die?

Bringing down the spoon and fork from her hands to her plate, she lifted her head up high with a serious face before firmly holding her ground, “I said, I want a divorce.”

“Eun Ae, what is this?”

“Was there any problem between the both of you?”

“What’s going on?”

Questions after questions came rushing before her and it was definitely making it harder for her to do what she needed. Every question just seemed to pull her back in doing what was right, but she knew backing out was not an option. No. This was not an option she could consider anymore. She promised herself she would take a step forward once she decided to enter this goddamn hell hole again for the last time.

“It’s not like this marriage is working after all.” She confessed, looking straight at their parents and from her peripheral vision she could see how Jaehyun looked at her with wide eyes and how Daeun flinched but she did not care.

This was now a do or die situation, and if she would chose not to do what she has earlier planned, she would surely see herself six feet under in a matter of months. And she did not want that. Not when she has realized how much life has more to offer—that there was more to life than this suffering she had chosen to stick with—that there was still hope for her to live a new life and to begin again.

 “We’ve been trying to make this work for the past two years, Mom. But it isn’t working. I think, we’ve already invested so much time and effort in trying to save this marriage from falling apart, and I believe that’s enough. If we push this even more, we’ll just end up hurting each other more than we’ve already had.”

“And as for the grandchildren you wish for, you already have one.” She said, looking at Daeun with a sincere smile, “Daeun is pregnant with Jaehyun’s child.”

 “Jaehyun! How could you do this?! How could y—”

“You ungrateful sly bitch! I knew you had something with my son! How da—”

“Please, stop!” Eun Ae screeched, interrupting Jaehyun’s parents from launching at the two people in front of her and speaking even before Jaehyun could. She knew they would get angry but she had to tell the truth. One way or another it would come out anyway, and this was the best time to say it—when she was still here, that she could ensure the both of them would be accepted by Jaehyun’s parents, that she could protect the unborn child in Daeun’s womb as her last gift for her husband. 

She watched as Jaehyun’s arms protectively wrapped around his mistress’ shoulders as the latter has her eyes streaming down with tears.

I knew it. This is the best decision I could ever do.

“Eun Ae, darling—”

“Mom, Dad, please don’t ever try to lay a hand on her. She has a child within her—there’s another life thriving in her body and that child is your own—your own blood and flesh, your grandchild.” Eun Ae pleaded as tears streamed down her face. A choked sob escaped her lips and she was sure there were more to come; hence as much as she could she managed to push down the incoming sobs back to her throat before smiling ever so gently at them. “We all knew Jaehyun loves Daeun even from before and up until now. The only reason he agreed to this marriage was because of business purposes and that was all there was to it. There’s no way this loveless marriage could ever continue when it’s founded on the grounds of business alone, and we all know that. So, please, please, accept them as your own. They’re going to have a family of their own with a baby on the way, so please, please, Mom, Dad. At least, do this for your grandchild; let him have a complete family to grow up with. Please.”

To say those things in front of the person whom she loved with all her life surely relayed that she was giving up, and that was what she chose to do back at the beach. She has to give him up and everything they yet to have. This was the right thing to do even that meant tearing her heart into pieces once again. But as much as it hurts, the feelings of freedom shaking her core and breaking the shackles that have been holding her back were more than enough to help her get through this. She has gone through much much worse than this for the past two years, and this was nothing compared to any of those.

A sob escaped from Jaehyun’s mom’s lips as tears dampened her cheeks and it took everything Eun Ae had not to take back everything she said. It broke her heart to see the person whom she considered as her second mother break down in front of her with eyes swimming with pity and shame but there was no other way to finish this stunt they started but this.

“I—I’m sorry. Darling you deserve better than this. I’m so sorry,” was Jaehyun’s mom’s pleas as her husband wrapped his arms around her with tears also swelling up his eyes before putting his head down as shame and regret contorted his face.

Eun Ae could not manage to stop the salty droplets from her eyes from spilling, seeing the two of the most important persons in her life look like this. They were the people who had her back ever since her father chose to walk away from her and her mother’s life without even looking back. They were the people who embraced her like a child of their own and showered her with parental love to fill in the gaps and holes her father left behind. They were the people who loved her fully and truly and she was more than thankful than ever to have them in her life. And seeing them like this—looking like parents who were disappointed of themselves squeezed her heart.

“No, no, Mom this isn’t your fault or Dad’s. If there is any to blame it would’ve been me. I should’ve just ended this legal binding right after the business problem had been resolved, and if I did that then we wouldn’t be in this circumstance right now. I believe the three of us deserve better than being stuck in this foolish situation. I hope you’ll have the heart to accept what happened between us and Jaehyun. What we went through might be rough but we learned so much from this. We all did, and these will only make us much stronger individually.” She said, striding towards the people whom she has considered as parents before wrapping them both in a hug and relishing the probably last embrace she would share with them. Eun Ae continued soothing them as they both murmured sorry over and over again.

“I’m going upstairs and pack my bags,” she said after a minute or so after seeing her parents recovering from the news she blurted out a while ago.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

Eun Ae was busy stuffing her remaining clothes in her luggage when the door immediately burst open with a bang, making her jump and ultimately getting her full attention.

“What stunt are you planning to do, now?” was Jaehyun’s menacing growl as he went in and locked the door behind him. “Do you think this pity show will make me change my mind and choose you?”

“I’m tired of the show, Jaehyun.” She said tiredly, averting her eyes from him and back to her business of taking out every piece of clothing in her closet and dumping them on her luggage. “And I have no plans of making you change your mind when I already made up mine.”  

Truth be told, she was too goddamn tired to even have this conversation with him. She has been crying her eyes out for the past days and she could even feel how her body was outright screaming at her to take a rest when she vomitted yesterday morning, feeling very much dizzy and beaten up. She felt so dehydrated and knocked up that she got shocked that she still managed to drive and arrive safely. 

“Yeah? You want me to believe that?”

“You just better do.”

“Cut this bullshit, now, and tell me what you’re scheming!”

“I’m not scheming anything. Just leave me alone, please.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up! You went missing for god knows how long and you came back with that suggestion, and you want me to believe another set of lies from you? Do you think I’m that dumb?!” He roared.

“Then here. Listen, this…this marriage we have was a mistake and I’m fixing it. I’m trying to fix everything.”  Eun Ae said, heaving a sigh as she stuffed the last piece of clothing inside her luggage. Giving a swift glance to her empty closet she breathed out. I'm done. Finally packing all her clothes, she turned to him. “I know I’m the one to blame in all of this, that’s why I’m doing everything I can to patch it all up again. I’m trying to do the right thing I should’ve done way back. I should’ve filed for a divorce when your family’s business was back on track.”

Grabbing her luggage and striding towards the door, she purposely stopped on tracks and stood before Jaehyun whose face was undeniably unreadable as a myriad of emotions plastered his face.

“Jaehyun, I’m so sorry for everything. I—I didn’t know that my way of showing my love for you was hurting you. I was blinded by selfishness and didn’t know what love meant, bu—but trust me, I do now.” She confessed truthfully looking at him straight in the eyes as her grip on the handle of her luggage tightened before lowering her voice to the softest she could ever go. “I know what love meant now, and I know what to do. I’ll handle everything from here.”

Tears pooled in the corner of her eyes as she gazed at the man she loved all her life. They spent so many years together and she was very grateful for the memories they created—the good ones and the bad ones that shaped them and their relationship. They had a rough path and surely they got wounds here and there as they tripped along the way but she was thankful for them—they were learnings that opened her eyes and allowed her to feel any other emotion there was in the world aside from pain.

Standing before the man whom she was willing to give up everything for, made her feel bittersweet—bitter that she had to see him smile without her by his side, but at the same time, sweet that he would be able to smile once again. Time surely flies as she reminisced how they stood like this in front of the altar, exchanging their vows to be honored forever. And here they were now, saying goodbye and throwing away the promises they once shared.

A surge of longingness washed over her and she immediately brought her hands on his face, placing them at each side of his cheek, before gazing at him tenderly, “You know I love you, right? You know how much I love you, Jaehyun.” She murmured before closing her eyes and leaning in to touch his lips.

As her breath got stuck in her throat, creating a burning sensation along with it, the parting kiss she eagerly wanted to give him never came. Eun Ae could not bring herself to touch his lips when pain and desolation swamped her, finally realizing that this was really it; this was the last time she was going to touch him; this was the last time she was going to hold him; this was the last time she would see him, and that this was their ultimate goodbye.

Eun Ae felt her heart finally cracking in two as she eventually let her mask slip in front of the person whom she always gave a beam to as if telling him she was okay, that everything was okay even though they were not.

A sob escaped her lips and she felt her shoulders shook as the impending tears were to flow any minute from then. Opening up her eyes and placing her nose against his, she finally let him go with the last tears in her eyes and last beam on her lips, “That’s why I’m letting you go. I’m letting you go now.”

With quivering lips, she breathed deeply and looked at him whose eyes were now swelling up with tears, “I sincerely hope you find your happiness. And by the time you do, I want you to take a hold of it, cherish it, and protect it. Don’t ever let it go, Jaehyun.”

And with that, she removed her hands on his face and took a hold of her luggage before walking to the wooden brown rectangular barrier—the very end of the dark tunnel of her prison—the path to the freedom she has been wanting for.

Her head tilted towards him when he abruptly tugged her wrist, making her halt her steps. She looked at him with furrowed brows, definitely confused, when he held onto her wrist ever so tightly as if he never wanted to let it go. Eun Ae watched as tears continuously streamed down his face, leaving traces of droplets on the floor, and how his lips trembled restlessly all the while gazing at her with those eyes that she could not read.  

Does he doubt that I will really push for a divorce?

“Don’t worry the divorce papers are on the way. You might receive it tomorrow morning.” She assured him before removing his hand from hers and giving him the smile she always gave him when they were still the best of friends who lonely fought against the world, “Goodbye, Jaehyun.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

The car ride to their house was quiet. Never did Eun Ae hear her mother utter anything ever since she arrived at the house she once shared with Jaehyun. The last thing she heard her say was “Nothing, let’s go,” when they were about to eat.

At the same time, Eun Ae could not bring herself to speak to her nor even look at her. She did not want to see the disappointment in her mother’s face right now. At least not now, when she was too down, and feeling quite empty. She raised her head the moment the car stopped and through the window, she realized they were already home. Eun Ae was about to open the car door when her mother spoke, making her snap her head to her mother’s direction.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“What are you sorry for, honey? You’re the one looking pretty much beaten up right now who needs to hear the word sorry.” She heard her mother say as tears began to form in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell mommy what was going on?”

“I—I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I know I promised you I would never give my heart away easily to someone who does not deserve it but I did. I did, Mom. And now, here I am left with nothing, not even my heart.” She confessed, bringing her hands together as she looked down. “I didn’t want you to remember our past. I don’t want you to be haunted by it ever again. Mom, I don’t want it to hurt you ever again.”

“Honey, the past will never ever be able to hurt me again because I’ve moved on. I’ve already threw everything related to our past that might possibly hurt me or you.” She heard her say. “And I would never be disappointed in you, not when you managed to break free from that hurting binding. In fact, I’m even more than proud of you that you were able to do that—to face your hurts yet at the same time still managed to let love move you. That’s pretty though, honey, to let go of the person you love and tell him to be happy with someone else who isn’t you. That’s bravery and selflessness up there. That’s love, honey. That’s love.”

Eun Ae bit her trembling lips, keeping her tears from falling, “But I promised you I’ll never condone cheating, Mom. You know how much I hated it, but look what happened. I threw my morals for love, Mom. I threw everything away, I’m so sorry.”

“Shh… I know, honey, I know. I know how much you’ve been struggling with your marriage—to save it from falling apart and I know how infidelity was ruining it from the very start.” Her mother said as her soothing hands settled on Eun Ae’s head while the latter looked very much shocked.

“Yo—you knew? All along?”

“We knew, honey, we knew.”

“Bu—but how?”

“Honey, we’re parents. I’m your Mom. I know when you’re happy. I know when you’re sad. I know when you’re faking your smile. I know how your face looks like after crying. I know how you can’t manage to keep an eye contact when you’re lying. I know how your laugh trembles indicating it’s fake. I even know the smell of your fart.” Her mother said that broke a smile on Eun Ae’s lips.

“Then wh—why?”

“Why I didn’t intervene? Why I didn’t tell you to stop it? It’s simple. I know you, honey, and you would always open up to me when you needed to, when you wanted to, when you’re ready to. I tried to strike a conversation about this, but in the end I chose to drop it because I wanted you to tell me. I wanted you to go to me and talk to me be about it. I want you to open up to me like how you usually do. I didn’t want to go ahead or precede whatever there is to your relationship. I didn’t want to intermeddle when you might have been doing something to solve this issue. Because as much as I was hurting seeing you being in pain, I don’t want to meddle with your marriage because that’s your business to take care of. I made a promise to you that I would never intrude in that marriage like how you wanted me to and I agreed to it because I trust you. I trust you that you’ll eventually do what is right, and you did, honey. You did.”

Tears rolled to her cheeks hearing how her mother trust her so much, how her unconditional love for her seemed to go endless and that was something she would be forever grateful for.

“Mom” she cried, as she unclasped her seatbelt and went it for a hug. “I’m so sorry, Mom.”

“Can you tell me why you didn’t tell me any of these?”

“I was afraid that you might remember the past, and it might put you in some situation I would never want to see again.” Eun Ae said as she buried her head on her mother’s neck as she sobbed, “I—It almost took you away from me, Mom, and I can’t allow that to happen again. You’re the only one I got.”

“I’m so sorry you felt that way, honey.” She heard her mother say in a choked sob as the she felt her soothing motherly hands caressed her back. “Mom’s not going anywhere anymore, okay? I have already put the past behind me along long time ago when I chose to take a step forward with you as we held hand in hand towards that new path. You don’t have to worry about Mom anymore because I’m already okay, honey. Mom’s even more than okay. So starting from now, you’ve got to tell me whatever you’re feeling. I don’t want to lose you. Not you, honey. Not you.”

As the embrace between Eun Ae and her mother healed their open wounds, their broken trusts, and their broken hearts, they both found themselves laughing at each other as they wipe their snots from the heavy talk they just had.

After two years of having the burden of keeping her true feelings from the only person she got in her life, Eun Ae felt brand new. No, she felt the Eun Ae before was back. The Eun Ae who was very close to her mom, the one who did not keep secrets from her, the one who confide her secrets, the one who did not have to fake anything, the Eun Ae who was gleeful with nothing holding her back.

“So what’s your plan, now?” Her mother asked as she watched how she leaned in and wiped the tears trailing her cheeks before giving each side a kiss.

“I’m planning to go to New York and start anew, Mom.” Eun Ae confessed, sniffing while holding onto her mother’s hands. “I’ve already bought a ticket, and I can buy yours right now. Would you like to come with me?”

A soothing smile painted her mother’s lips before Eun Ae felt her hands being tightly squeezed. “Of course, of course. I’ll come with you, honey. I want to watch you live your dreams.” Her mother said, assuring her she would be there for her every step of the way towards her new beginning.

“Thank you, Mom.” tightening her hold onto her mother’s hand, Eun Ae looked at the starry night outside their car’s window before smiling, “Let’s start again.”

Right at this moment, Eun Ae was more than ready to take a step forward and leave her past behind. Maybe her heart was cracked in two but she believes that somehow, someday, she could piece it back together again and be stronger than ever. Because in that instant, she was more than willing to take a leap of faith and begin again as she held onto her mother’s hand like how the latter did the same a few years back. She knew she could start all over again as long as she has her mother beside her.

She learned a lot from all these years of being stuck in a loveless marriage and one thing she was very much proud of was learning how to love.

 

And this time, she wants to love herself.


	2. To Be Loved

“Jaehyun, are you sure you’re okay to drive?” He heard Taeyong asked as he strode towards his car that was parked in front of his friend’s house. He and his friends were all gathered today at Taeyong’s home to celebrate the latter’s 29th birthday. They have been spending their night all together drinking and talking about what they have achieved all the years that have passed and catching up with each other’s lives. The clock was near to hitting 1am when Jaehyun decided to go home.

“Yeah,” He said, opening the door of his car.

“Hey dude, why don’t you spend the night here?” He heard Johnny suggested as the others stood by the front gate of Taeyong’s home after they walked him to his car. “It’s already dawn anyway.”

Jaehyun heard his friends agreeing to Johnny’s request but he just shook his head and gave them a small smile before plopping down on the driver’s seat. “Nah, I’ll pass. I want my home’s comfort.”

Honking his car horn before starting his ride home, he gazed at his members through the mirror and saw the worry in their faces. Deeply sighing, he squeezed his eyes shut before exhaling the bag of oxygen he just hoarded.

“Home. I miss my home,” he muttered to himself before eventually leaving Taeyong’s abode and started his journey towards his.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

After an hour and a half of travel, he eventually reached his house. Turning off his car engine, he abruptly rummaged the pocket of his suit upon hearing his cellphone’s ringtone and only to be disappointed to see the caller’s name flashing before his eyes.

“What’s up?

“Yo dude, are you home now?”

“Yeah, I just arrived. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, we just want to know if you’ve arrived safely.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m fine, I’m hanging up now.”

“Wait!” He heard Taeyong screamed at the other end of the call, making him scrunch his brows. “Maybe it will be nice if we come over your place?”

With furrowed brows, Jaehyun asked, “Right now? What for?”

“Well, aren’t you lo—”

“I’m not,” He immediately cut him off with anger oozing from his tone. He heard some rustlings and whispers form the call but he instantly shut them up not wanting to hear any of the same usual words they threw at him. “Just shut up. I said I’m fucking fine.”

Throwing his phone harshly to the car seat’s shotgun with a thud, he leaned his head against the car seat’s headrest and closed his eyes. His mind wandered restlessly to the conversations he just had with his friends a while ago and with that, he found himself tightly clenching his jaw shut. His knuckles turning white as his hands curled into fists while his lower plump lip getting sore with how he bit on it with his teeth.

“I’m fine.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m fine.”

He kept telling himself as he tried shifting his mind somewhere else. Pushing down every single feeling and memory back to where they rightfully belong as he thought, he slowly opened his eyes only to be shocked with that he saw; before him was a brightly illuminated house—his own home. He blinked his eyes over and over trying to gauge if he was dreaming. This is impossible. This isn’t true. But with the usual clanking of utensils that echoed somewhere from the kitchen, he knew he was not dreaming.

A surge of hope and delightfulness washed over him and right there and then he felt his heart beating irrationally fast. His hands sweated and his body shook. He was stupefied and he felt numb with all the imaginations and scenarios playing and whirling in his head. He wanted to jump out from his car and run towards the home he missed. His home. She’s here.

And that was what he did. Without any second thoughts, he abruptly opened his car door with much force before running towards the front door of his house. Slipping in the key with shaking hands, he frantically ran inside the huge, elegant, and fancy illuminated house.

“Eun Ae?” He eagerly called out as his eyes desperately scanned the living room only to find no one. “Eun Ae? Where are you?”

“Eun Ae?” He called out once again as he sauntered towards the dining area only to find it empty. “Eun Ae, are you here? Where are you?”

Suddenly, he all but ran to the glorious kitchen; his last hope. The kitchen was Eun Ae’s kingdom. It was her palace. It was her sanctuary. Eun Ae always busied herself in that house division, preparing and cooking sumptuous meals for him that he never once touched. It was her favorite place before Daeun came.

“Eun Ae?”

“Eun Ae!”

“Eun Ae?!”

Jaehyun dreadfully yelled, his voice echoing and booming through every hall, every room, every corner, every nook, every space in the house he once called home.

Once he arrived in the kitchen, disappointment and desolation settled in his stomach, giving him a bitter sensation along with it. He saw nothing and no one. It was the same as how he left it years back; how she left it years back.

He was terribly sweating and shaking, and his heart kept pounding as he tried to think where she should have been in the house. He was sure she was here. The house was bright from the outside and the clanking of the utensils and plates echoed and reached his ears. And all these only happen when she was here; when she was home.

Furiously raking his hair through his fingers, he instantly tugged a chunk of his hair as their shared bedroom immediately flashed before his mind. Of course, she could be there. She should be there.

Hastily turning around to stride back to his living room, he almost leaped to reach the stairs when he slowly stopped on his tracks. Running his sight to his surroundings, cold sweat ran through his forehead, trickling down to his neck, and down to his spine. His body stopped from the restless shaking and now he was rendered immobile; too immobile for that matter. He could not move a single muscle as he was too frozen in place to do so.

Suddenly, all the warmness wrapping his body vanished and the harsh coldness hugged and engulfed him whole. In that moment, he felt utterly numb. He felt a lump forming and settling in his throat, and his stomach sourly churning. His eyes felt warm and not a second later he felt them watering. Bitterness twinge his heart as he scanned the once brightly illuminated home, to be nothing but a pitch black, silent, lonely, empty, house.

Confusion, dubiousness and desolation seeped into his bones with the sight before him. His eyes frantically scanned the spacious area before the jarring realization swamped him hard.

There he was, standing in the middle of the living room with nothing, not even a single small light to illuminate the place. He was standing in the middle of the darkness and he scoffed as to how similar his life has become with his situation right now.

Breathing deeply, he squeezed his eyes shut, and curled his fists, wishing and praying that these were all a dream; that when he opened his eyes once again, a bright lightened noisy house and a warm hug would welcome him.

But only a blow of a bitter laugh escaped from his lips upon opening his eyes, and meeting and being welcomed by the darkness once again.

Suddenly, his strength left him and Jaehyun found himself slumped on the floor as even his legs eventually gave up on him. His deep and loud breathing were the only sounds that could be heard echoing through the lonely halls of the empty place before his painful weeping eventually followed. Folding his knees apart near to his chest, he brought up his hands and covered his face before his incessant wailing began. His body shook tremendously, his hands wet with tears, and his throat burned achingly. In that moment, he felt his heart finally cracking into a million pieces, once again.

How many years have already passed, yet here he was, still stuck in the bitter world, in the haunting time frame, in the aching past that could have been his sweet present and his fulfulling future but he foolishly chose to throw away and give up on.

It has already been five years since he divorced Eun Ae, and about four years since he divorced Daeun and lost their unborn child. A handful of events had happened ever since his marriage with Eun Ae ended, and for the foolish Jaehyun of the past, he thought that he was walking towards his happiness upon realizing that his wife had given up on him and their loveless marriage.

They still had not finalized their divorce but Jaehyun immediately proposed to Daeun and they eventually got married. He could care less of what his parents might think of what he did when all his mind was screaming for was happiness; that he was eventually going to be happy. But what his parents told him that morning when Eun Ae decided to leave him and their marriage was something he did not expect, especially with what his mother said.

 

(Flashback)

“Mom, don’t take it out on her,” Jaehyun pleaded to his mother who was shaking with anger as tears swelled up her eyes. “Take it out on me.”

“Daeun, go to a room,” he heard his mother say in a strained voice, making him frown. “I have to talk to my son, now.”

Gazing at the mother of his unborn child, he nodded at her, assuring her that everything will be okay. As he and his parents were the only ones left in the living room, his mother started talking some sense out of him that knocked off his breath.

“How could you do this?! How could you cheat on your wife, Jaehyun!” His mother yelled at the top of her lungs before spitting more words with deliberate spite. “I’ve always thought we raised a gentleman but looking at you now, I know I and your father failed in doing that.”

“Mom, you know who I love,” was his only reply.

“For fuck’s sake, Jaehyun! Is this how you love?!” His mother countered. “To give her some half-assed love? Is that it?!”

“It’s not like that!” He retorted. “You left me no choice, mom! I had to leave the woman I love to marry someone else to save the company!”

“And who forced you to? Tell me!” His mother exclaimed, as tears continued streaming down her face. “Who forced you to marry Eun Ae? Who? Tell me! Because wasn’t it you who chose to marry her out of your own will?!” Her mother taunted and it only made him angrier.

“Oh really?! Out of my own will?! Are you hearing yourself, mom?!” He hollered. “Do you think I could just watch the business you put up with blood, sweat and tears crumbling down? I had to do something! And even though I chose to marry Eun Ae, it was not because out of my own will! It was out of regret and helplessness!”

“Then you could’ve told us,” He heard his father spoke, making him turn his attention to him. “You could’ve told us that you married her to save our business and not because you love her too. Damn it, Jaehyun! You told us you love her that’s why you married her! She was like our own daughter too and you had the audacity to do this to her?!” His father indignantly yelled, sauntering towards him with powerful strides only to be stopped by his mother midway when she threw her body and wrapped her arms around the old man shaking in anger.

Jaehyun flinched at how his father’s voice boomed through the room. Never had he heard him talk to him like this and never did he see him this angry. No, he actually saw him this angry before, and that was when he confronted Eun Ae’s father about his infidelity. He could still remember how his father beat up Eun Ae’s dad black and blue outside of their house as he and his mother kept Eun Ae and her mom safe inside a room.

Suddenly, he could not utter a single word because his father has a point. It was true that he told his parents that one of the main reasons why he chose to marry her was because he was in love with her. That he was in love with Eun Ae. And Jaehyun knew how much his parents would have been delighted with the news, especially when they certainly wanted Eun Ae to be their real daughter; especially when they wanted her to be his wife.

Jaehyun absolutely knew how his parents had been cheering for her all those years to be his partner in life. That was why telling them that he was in love with her would clear all their doubts that the only reason why they got married was to save their family business that was losing its strong footing. Because that was something they would never agree on. His parents would never want him to indulge in such binding and resort to such harsh solutions when it would bring him and Eun Ae trouble. But aside from that, he was also too prideful to begin with—he wanted to show his parents that he could bring their business back to its glorious days without having to beg for mercy from their business associates.

“Now that our family problem has been solved, you can now solve yours,” His mother sarcastically said before pain engulfed her soft voice. “You could’ve told us about everything, Jaehyun. You should’ve been honest with us. You didn’t have to fool us this long. You can’t imagine how hard and painful it was seeing the both of you ruining yourselves for the past years.”

“Wh—at?”

“Do you think we don’t know what you were doing?” His mother painfully asked. “Do you think we didn’t know you’re cheating on Eun Ae? Do you take us for fools?”

“Mom, ho—w?”

“Jaehyun, we’re parents! We know the both of you, especially you!” His mother yelled before speaking ever so softly. “But above all, I and your father, are also a couple, and we know how things work.”

Not being able to utter a single word, his mother continued, “At first, we couldn’t believe what you were doing. Us and Eunha…we pushed the thought away. We told ourselves it wasn’t true. That you weren’t cheating; that we didn’t raise you to be as such. But with how you brought your assistant everywhere you go and how you left your wife to rot in this place, we knew that it was all true. That you were committing infidelity against your wife.”

Jaehyun just kept his gaze at her mother who was looking so devastated, ashamed and regretful. His heart hurt to see her like this. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued to hear her out.

“I and your father wanted to confront you about it but Eunha told us not to. Yes, your heard it right, even my best friend, Eun Ae’s mom, knows what you were doing to her daughter, Jaehyun,” Her mother confessed with full of shame and spitefulness. “She told us not to meddle with your marital issues because this wasn’t something we should interfere with. She told us that we’ve already pushed you enough and commanded you all your life and it was time for us to sit back and watch you do the right thing.”

“Where did we go wrong in raising you, Jaehyun?” His mother questioned in a broken voice. “Where did we fail in raising a decent human being?”

“Are you fed up with our constant reminders? Did we really meddle with your life too much that you’ve had enough and this is how you wanted to tell us?” He heard her continue as he met her eyes filled with balls of crystals of tears.

“Mo—m”

“But don’t worry, maybe Eunha was right. It was time for us to sit back and stop meddling with your life choices. We’ve pushed you enough, haven’t we?” He was cut off when his mother looked at him sadly and told him the words he never expected to hear. “So from now on, I and you father would no longer interfere with your decisions. You won’t hear anything from us about your chosen choices in life. I think, we’ve already guided you and taught you so much on what’s right from wrong and you can decide what to choose between the two. We’ll always be here for you. We’ll support you in what you want to do, but you won’t hear anything from us anymore.”

And with that they left him without a wink. Jaehyun could not feel anything but anguish, bleakness, shame and remorse clouding his heart all at once. To hear his mother tell him those things broke his heart; she sounded like she was giving up on him, too. He felt ashamed remembering how he yelled at them for controlling his life—for telling him what and what not to do when he was younger—when he was still not married, when their family business was still dwindling helplessly.

In that moment, Jaehyun could not stop thinking if he just made the wrong choices all these years.

(End of flashback)

 

And after several months, he knew he has been choosing the wrong decisions all those years because after three months of Eun Ae’s absence in his life, he found his life crumbling down and burning into ashes. But at that time, he was still a blind foolish man who did not want to admit it. He did not want to admit that Eun Ae was the tightening screw in his life that kept it intact. He did not want to admit that maybe after all those simple yet deep conversations and sweet moments they had and shared before; he irrevocably fell in love with her, too.

He was a fool. He was too prideful and too stubborn. He always pushed away that thought of him falling in love with her. He buried what he was feeling deep down somewhere god knows where, where someone would not be able to uncover it, not even himself. He kept brushing off the thought and kept his head straight in giving Daeun a happy and fulfilling marriage; the marriage he failed to give to Eun Ae. At that time, he was still blinded by the love, as he thought it was that he had for Daeun.

Everything was going well, or that he thought so. Because just after several months, an unfortunate event happened that turned their lives around—Daeun had placental previa. Upon examination, the doctors gave him devastating options; he had to choose one between the two whose lives were both in critical danger.

Dazed and confused, the doctors revealed to him that Daeun had placental abruption but did not ask for medical help as soon as possible; hence worsening her condition. She lost a lot of blood and blood transfusion would not suffice to keep them both alive. It was either Daeun will continue with her pregnancy and give birth earlier than scheduled which would cost her life, or the baby had to be removed from her body to ensure her safety. And at that moment, Jaehyun chose the most rational thing to do for him, and that was to choose Daeun.

Pain both wrapped them with the loss of their child. But there was one thing they did not expect—one thing Jaehyun did not expect. The incident brought their marriage to fall apart, and he was dumbfounded as to how it happened when he knew he was doing a great job in giving her the happy and fulfilling marriage she wanted. He had already forgotten about Eun Ae and shifted all his attention and efforts in tending to Daeun, who was utterly devastated in losing their baby. He was devastated too, but he had to do something for the both of them—and that was to move on.

All along he knew he was doing everything to keep their marriage intact. But that was what he thought before Daeun slapped him with the truth. The only time he acknowledged that he was still in love with Eun Ae was when Daeun herself outright told him about it.

And was not it too ironic? To hear those facts from the very person he chose to commit infidelity against his wife? The exact same person, whom he thought was his true love and whom he chose over the person who was actually the true love of his life?

 

(Flashback)

“Jaehyun, I want a divorce,” was all he heard over breakfast that continually rang in his ears. Dumbfounded and confused he turned to her with furrowed brows. “Jaehyun, you don’t love me anymore.”

“I do love you,” He countered. “Daeun, why are you saying this? I love y—”

“No, you don’t Jaehyun.” She cut him off with a shaking voice and sweating eyes. “You loved me, Jaehyun. You loved me.”

“No, I don’t! I love you. I still love you!” He exasperatedly said, sauntering towards her only to be stopped when she held her hand and told him not to. “Did I do anything wrong? Did I fail in showing you how much I love you?”

But Daeun only shook her head with a bitter smile on her lips before scoffing, “Jaehyun, do you really have to hear this from me? Do I really have to say this?”

“Hear what? I don’t understand—”

“Jaehyun, you’re in love with someone else,” He heard her say, making him flinch. “You’ve been in love with Eun Ae for the longest time I could remember.”

He was paralyzed; too immobile and too shocked with what he heard. But still, being the stubborn and too prideful man he was, he held his ground. “No, I’m not in love with her. Daeun what are you e—”

“Jaehyun, until when will you deny this to yourself when I can even see it, feel it and hear it?!” She frustratingly yelled as tears streamed down her face. “When will you continue lying to yourself?!”

“No, no that’s not it. That’s not the case. I don’t love her Daeun, you’re the one I love,” he assured her, trying to close the distance between them only to fail once again. He stopped talking a step forward and gestured his hand to reach her. “Baby, what’s wrong? Tell me, what’s wrong.”

“That’s not the case? You don’t love her? What’s wrong? Jaehyun, are you even hearing yourself right now?!” She exclaimed, harshly wiping her tears away. “Jaehyun, you can’t keep denying the truth! Just tell me straight that you love her because that will hurt even less than staying with you and feigning ignorance that it isn’t true!”

“What are you even saying? Why are you insisting that I love her? I just don’t understand!”

But he only watched as Daeun bitterly smiled and lifted her gaze at the ceiling, “Jaehyun…. Jaehyun you have always been calling out her name whenever you’re sick. Whenever your fever is high, I always choose to take care of you than bring you to a hospital because of how you hated going to such place after my pregnancy complications. But whenever I do, you always murmur her name in your sleep. You always do. And at some point, I always asked when you will call mine.”

His mouth hung open and he felt his airway blocked. This was something he did not know. She never opened up about this topic. Whenever he was sick, he could not manage to remember what happened when his body was basically giving up on him. Not wanting to divulge into the conversation about his love for Eun Ae, he tried to assure her that he was not in love with his ex-wife. “Baby, it was probably a mistake. Please, let’s not talk about this when we have us.”

“Don’t even tell me that it’s a mistake when you literally scream her name whenever we’re having sex—” She confessed with full bitterness, and in that moment Jaehyun knew he fucked up. He fucked up since long time ago. “—drunk or sober, you do scream her name Jaehyun. It was always Eun Ae. Fucking always.”

As regret and shame seeped into his bones, he tried to say something but his mouth only opened and closed without any word coming out from it.

With a bitter mocking laugh, she continued. “And that’s not all. Do you really think I don’t notice how you bore your eyes on the wedding ring she left by the table every single night you thought I was asleep? How you roll it in your hands and delicately caress it with your fingers while you’re in deep thought? Do you think I don’t feel the utter disappointment within you whenever you arrive home from work and stride towards the kitchen to see me there? We both know, you’re always expecting and hoping it was her to welcome you home.”

Jaehyun dragged his head down and stared at the floor as his mind kept whirling with all the things Daeun just said. All along, he thought he has been doing a great job in masking everything he was feeling, in pushing away and brushing off the happy weird feeling in his insides whenever Eun Ae crossed his mind, in keeping his façade of being happy in this marriage he has with Daeun. He was an idiot for thinking that he has been doing a good job when at the back of his mind, he himself even doubted his acts and stunts. His eyes shot up and gazed at Daeun when she cupped his cheeks. He did not even notice her getting up from her seat and walked towards him.

“It’s time for us to do the right thing, Jaehyun,” she softly said as she caressed his cheeks before smiling gently. “It’s time to part ways and chase our happiness.”

“Go after her.”

Suddenly, his eyes began sweating and his throat began burning. He could not stop berating himself as to why this had to happen to the three of them; why did they have to hurt each other before getting to realize what and who was truly important and who their hearts truly yearn for. With quivering lips he finally said, “I’m so sorry.”

He was taken aback when a warm hug encased him. “No, it’s okay. I’m happy to be loved by you, Jaehyun. I’m happy. And I’m sorry too.”

For the rest of the day, the both of them civilly talked as how things would go. They arranged the schedules to meet their lawyers and decided the conditions for their divorce. Daeun has also packed her things in her luggage and opted to leave the house.

The sundown was already dancing in front of them as he walked her to her car. Just as he was about to push her car door shut, she abruptly tugged his arm, making him turn to her, only to see her looking at the hand wheel, dazed. “There’s one thing you should know and this is what I’m sorry for. Eun Ae…Eun Ae never took advantage of your family’s financial problems to marry you,” she started as he scrunched his brows.

“What do you mean?”

Breathing deeply and wringing her hands together, she eventually confessed. “I was wrong when I saw her talking to your business partners. I thought she was cajoling them to outright throw your business under the bus…but the truth was she wasn’t.” She looked up only to meet his confused eyes as he furrowed his brows and narrowed his eyes on hers. Daeun looked at everywhere but him when she continued her revelations. “Yes, she was flexing her muscles, but not to have your business partners turn their backs on you. She flexed her muscles to cajole them to help you and your family. She was doing her best to get more business proposals signed for your family and…and—I even saw her swallowing her pride as a CEO when she knelt down in front of the Lee family to sign the business proposal she brought.”

Just then, all could Jaehyun see was red. All those years of blaming and hating Eun Ae for something she did not do fueled his anger. How could he not be furious when he outright threw everything they have between them with the thought of the malicious things she had done against him and his family with the pictures Daeun gave him after his wedding ceremony? How could he not be angry when after all these years he was living a life full of lies? His eyes dilated and his jaw tightly clenched shut.

“How could you do this?!” He said with gritted teeth. “So all those pictures you gave me…all of those were taken out of context? You deliberately fed me lies all these years?! I trusted you! I fucking trusted you!”

“I—I’m sorry, Jaehyun. I’m really sorry but you have to understand that I love you and I don’t want you to leave me. I did it for us, for our future, for our promi—”

“No, you did it for yourself driven by your own selfishness,” he interrupted with loathe dripping from his tone. “You lied to me, Daeun. I trusted you but you fucking lied to me! Did you enjoy having me wrapped around your finger and treated me as a puppet?!”

But sobs were the only answers he got, and instead of melting like how he would had been, he got more furious instead, wanting to get straight and honest answers from all of her deceptions. “And you just stood there and fucking watched as I blamed Eun Ae for things she wasn’t responsible of? For the things you just made up?! You just watched me cut all strings with the person you knew I treasured more than anything in this world? My best friend?! Did you enjoy watching our friendship go down to the pits of hell?!”

To say that he was fuming would have been an understatement. He was more than angry as he had ever been. Being lied to by the person whom he trusted infuriated him but breaking his bond with Eun Ae was just on a different level that consequently pained him.

But above all, apart from the connection and everything he and Eun Ae had between them that he broke, what perturbed him the most was breaking his own best friend—it was breaking her—it was breaking Eun Ae.

For those two years of their marriage, all he ever did was to loathe her, hurt her, and punish her—give and shower her with all the things she did not deserve. Not even a single bit of any of it.

At that moment, he felt his stomach bitterly churning and his body uncontrollably shaking. He was wrong. He was so wrong in trusting Daeun, someone he met in college and fell in love with, over Eun Ae, his best friend whom he knew all his life and wanted nothing but happiness for him.

“Leave,” He commanded with a very strained voice. With how his insides were turning sour and bitter, he knew Daeun had to leave or he would not be responsible for his further actions. “And don’t even dare step into my life ever again.”

“I know. Goodbye and I’m sorry.” Was everything he could remember before he became blind with rage as he threw every single thing his hands could reach and grab. Suddenly, the sounds of crashing and clanking were the only ones his ears could hear as anger, pain, desolation, guilt, regret, and frustration shattered his mind, his senses, and his heart. The sounds became music to his ears that somehow helped him release all the disgust he felt inside of him.

Just how could he do that his best friend? Just how could he throw away everything they built together for a single person? Just how could he turn his back from his best friend, whom all along he knew would always have his back no matter what circumstance he would have been; no matter how in grave deep shit he would have been. Just how could he loathe her when all she ever did was do what was the best for him? Just how could he watch her suffer from his wrath? But more importantly, just how could he hurt her?

“Fuck.”

As tiredness and weakness wrapped him whole, he slumped back, helplessly staggering for a brief instance before eventually falling down to the cold floor in a harsh thud. In that moment, he realized that the love he thought he had for Daeun as true love was not even a teensy bit near to it. Because he knew that true love was not supposed to wreck him and everything he held very dear. True love should not have turned him into a worse version of himself; a vile monster. It was not supposed to fill him with hatred and insecurities. True love is not supposed to be selfish; it is not supposed to be damaging, it is not supposed to be hurting, and most of all it is not supposed to be deceiving.

“F—uck,” was all he could muster to mutter before his weeping and incessant sobbing drowned his voice. A bitter laugh escaped his lips and for a moment he thought that even sanity would soon depart him. He felt like he was turning into a mad man, remembering every single thing that had happened in his life.

He was having the time of his life back in the years as he stood by Eun Ae’s side, protecting her from all the monsters who would try to hurt her only to discover that a few years later he himself turned into one. And probably, the worst of all was he was the most evil and destructive monster to ever show up in her life. The monster she was not and would never be ready to battle with. The lone monster she would never think of saving herself from. And the only monster who managed to tear her into irreparable fragments.

Looking back, he was even worse than her father who did not manage to break her. Yes, she cried over what he did, she despised him to pieces, she threw everything that connected her to him, and she outright disowned him. But in his case, he never saw her cry over him nor over what he did against her; she never loathed him; she never chose to turn her back against him and throw away everything they had; and never did she disown him.

And that was probably what was more wounding for him; realizing she solitarily suffered and took everything on her own; withstanding all the emotional, physical and mental tortures he gave her up to the very end until she eventually lost herself along the process.

Jaehyun did not only managed to break her, because more than that, he managed to erase every teensy bit of herself—every character she had, every belief she held onto, every principle she lived by, until she got nothing left within her to identify herself—not even her name nor who she really was.

And that day was the last time he ever saw Daeun, and the last time everyone saw the Jaehyun they knew all their lives. Because when the sun decided to rise the next morning, Jaehyun woke up as nothing but a hollow dead man in the inside.

(End of flashback)

 

As the past decided to haunt him all at once like a big crashing wave that swept him off of his feet, and hit him with a force of a swerving truck, Jaehyun basked in his agony once again, slumped in the cold floor in the middle of his dark and lonely big home.

This was his usual routine ever since that day; to drink to his heart’s content until he found himself lost into oblivion and let his past unravel before him. To let the pain seep into his bones, into every vesicle, into every sac, and into every tiny single space in his body. To wallow in his concealed wounding past full of regretful decisions, and shameful actions. To find himself too numb to feel any kind of pain after a long battle of emotional torture and feel hollow once again.

This was his only way to relieve what he was feeling, because never did he choose to let his sturdy guards down and cry before anyone. Never. He chose to suffer alone, exactly like what Eun Ae did to herself years back with the constant unwavering tortures he gave her.

He chose this; he chose to be like this, because at the back of his mind, all he could ever think was that this was what he deserved—to be broken open, to suffer alone, to be woken up by shame, to sleep with regrets, to live in agony, and to die with a broken heart. It might be twisted, but he knew he deserved these—he deserved more than these.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“How has she been, mom?”

“You mean, Eun Ae?” His mother asked as she arranged the utensils on the dining table. “She’s been doing better than ever as far as I can remember. She’s been living her dreams now.”

“That’s good.” He said, nodding his head before spitting out what he has been eagerly wanting to say. “Di—did she ever ask about me?”

Just then Jaehyun saw how his mother froze and lifted her head up towards him. “No—no, son.” She softly said before recovering from the odd question he asked. “I always brought you up whenever we had the chance to talk years ago, but months after, she asked me to stop talking about you, just like what you asked me too.”

Hastily returning her attention back to what she was doing earlier, she continued. “She wanted to move on, and I respected that, so since then we never really talked about you.”

“Jaehyun, what’s the matter?” She queried, looking as baffled as ever as he only bobbed his head. “Why are you suddenly asking these questions?”

For a brief instance, silence hung in the air. The air was thick and somehow suffocating. The silence was too deafening that the harsh coldness eventually wrapped them both as the haunting questions and freeing answers burned them in the insides.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Jaehyun eventually confessed. “I—I want to get her back, mom.”

A drinking glass immediately turned into glass shards, slipping from the grip of his mother’s hands and hitting the floor.

“Jaehyun—”

“I know, I m—messed up. I messed up all these years.” He truthfully admitted as he casted his eyes down to the floor tile decorated with enchanting yet dangerous pieces of glass; a classic resemblance of his life. “I fucked up. God, I know I fuck up all the time.”

“I know I did hurt her and made her suffer, but—but I want her back, I need to get her back,” he said, before leaning against the wooden brown door frame and shooting his gaze up to the ceiling and tucking his hands in his pockets as he breathed a sigh. “It’s just—one day I suddenly woke up and realized that my life was nothing without her, that I was nothing without her, that I need her, that I need her by my side, and that I love her, mom. I love her more than a best friend—I love her more than anything else in this world, and I can’t live without her anymore.”

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, he tried to piece all together all his plans, all his thoughts, everything his heart has been screaming at him to do. “And I’m planning to tell her everything once she arrives. I’ll ask for forgiveness and confess to her, mom.”

“I—I don’t think it’s the right time to do that, Jaehyun.”

“I know…” he softly concurred, opening his sweating eyes and abruptly pursing his quivering lips together before gazing at his mother with a tight smile. “But I don’t want to let this chance to slip away, again. I have to try, right? I have to at least try?”

A hand on his shoulder, a doleful pair of eyes, a melancholy smile, and two simple words captured his whole attention before utterly breaking his hopes into bits. “No, don’t.” His father said. “Just don’t, son.”

“W—why?” he brokenly asked with a hushed tone.

“Jaehyun, I know I’ve already promised we would never meddle in your life choices anymore, but this time, I have to.” His mother said.

Striding towards him with careful steps, she held his hands in hers upon reaching him and standing before him. “Don’t do this, she has already moved on, Jaehyun. Don’t do this—don’t do this to yourself.”

Confused, he just stared at them with troubled inconsolable eyes before nibbling his lower lip and gazing back at the floor. He knew his parents meant well but he just could not imagine missing this chance again when he has already spent a handful of wasted years from locking himself up from the world and living like a dead man.

It has been seven years since Eun Ae gave up on him, and it was about two years since he bounced back to his feet. Five years of drowning himself in the bitter liquor, in a sea of misery, in the unending darkness, in the sheer harsh coldness, and shutting himself off of the world, he decided two years later to try and be the person he was before, the person who was not selfish, the person who was not hurtful, the person he was before he became a vile monster, the person filled with genuine true love—the best friend Eun Ae had, and the Jaehyun Eun Ae loved—the best version of himself yet to exist.

For the past two whole years, he certainly knew he was doing a great job. His dwindling business soared greater heights after five years of helplessly near to collapsing and burning down into ashes. He has put up several branches of his business nationwide and has already started conquering the ASEAN Region. His name has become more well-known as a successful business man with immense power and following. And he absolutely knew why.

He was hopeful, he was eager, but more than that he was determined—he was determined to get her back. His progress was remarkably as high as above the clouds and it only boiled down to one thing: because he has a reason. He has an end goal to meet.

And that was the established idea of showing her how she truly meant for him—how she truly meant in his life, how her presence lightened up his life and how darkness consumed him with her absence. And Jaehyun was more than ready to do it. He has been pinning this milestone since two years ago. He was betting everything he has to execute this, his mind, body, heart and soul, and now he was just a week away from doing it and seeing her again.

Because for the very first time in seven years, she was coming back, Eun Ae was coming home. And at the back of his mind, Jaehyun has always hoped that she was coming home to take him back in her arms, where he truly belongs.

“I’ll head upstairs,” was all he muttered before leaving the kitchen and hearing his mother say, “Trust me on this one, son. I just want what’s the best for you.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

Clanking of kitchen wares, hi, hello, I missed you, and a few sobs and sniffing were the nerve-wracking sounds Jaehyun could hear from the end of the bottom of the stairs. His palms were sweating and his heart was pounding irrationally hard and fast that he thought any moment from now it would just pop out and leave his chest.

With defined bags under his eyes, he squeezed his eyes shut and eagerly took a few deep breaths. He has been up since 6am preparing the clothes he would wear and lines he would say for today, but it seemed like his preparation time was not enough. Last night was his longest battle in trying to defeat the anxiousness settling within him, knowing he would get to see Eun Ae again. He tried to get as much sleep as he could to be fully ready for today but his head kept him awake until 3am as it kept whirling and whirling with the things that might happen and might not happen today.

A moment ago, courage even seemed to fly away from the cage in his chest, but he stood his ground and held it captive. He has no intentions of setting it free for the next few hours, and maybe for the next few days to come. He needed it today more than ever, and he would surely use it as much as he could.

With sweaty hands and cold feet, he slowly sauntered towards the garden where the woman he has been waiting for was. A surge of butterflies swam in his stomach when he was immediately greeted by glorious her back and right there and then he knew, that once again, he was completely mesmerized and captured by her beauty.

A smile formed in his lips as he found the parallelism of their first meeting, and truth be told, it was truly like their first ever encounter where he heedlessly walked to a garden of dandelions and found her caressing the flowers with her soft delicate hands. He could vividly remember how the 10 year old Jaehyun was rendered immensely stupefied when the beautiful streaks of the sunrise touched her beauteous face and highlighted every curve, every contour, and every line designing it. His mouth fell open and eyes shimmered seeing the little girl illuminating before him.

He was a fan of the sun; it was his favorite. He liked the way it rose in the horizon and shone so bright for everyone. It was his beloved light, and he found it as the most beautiful thing to ever exist. And he loved the sun more than anything else in the world. But on that day, the white blazing sphere did not seem to be as beautiful as he always thought it was when its beauty could not just compare to the breathtaking prepossessing the little girl was exuding.

That was the day the heavenly body and nearly perfect sphere of hot plasma stopped becoming his light. And the day when he started to call the little girl he found in the garden as sunshine, who became his self-sustaining every day daylight, his light, his very own source of happiness.

“Hey, how have you been?”

“Oh, hi there, Jaehyun!” she greeted with a smile, turning to him. “I’m fine and doing pretty good. How about you?”

“Fine, I guess?”

Happiness and hope poked him as he saw her enthralling beam once again. Gazing at her, he noticed her hair was now in a light shade of pink and it reminded him of the rose gold hair color she always had wanted to try on when they were in high school. Her body was still as defined as ever but she looked more voluptuous now, and that just made her more dazzling as the sun in his eyes.

“So, how’s New York?” he asked, pursing his lips together in a soft smile.

“New York’s far better than I’ve ever imagined. I never expected it to be that cozy, fun, and warm.”

Bobbing his head and stretching his lips into a wider smile, he continued. “I heard you’re managing a school, now?”

“Yes, I am!” She said ecstatically, her eyes shining like the brightest star in a dark night. “After working at a day care center for quite some time, I decided to open up my own school and teach more kids.”

“Seems like you’re enjoying it that much?” He queried, dimples showing and lips stretching wide in a smile. A light feeling washed over him and he felt absolutely brand new. It has been so long since he smiled like this—this genuine, and having to do it once again was more than satisfying as ever.

“Of course, I do. I love kids, they’re like balls of sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. They stress me out but they destress me, too.” She excitedly relayed, biting her lower lip before giving him a goofy smile. “We’ve been talking about me and me and me, how about you? How have you been doing?”

“Well—I’m still managing the Seoul branch, but I’ve managed to put up other branches of the business in other parts of the country.”

“Wow, that’s good! I’m glad your business is going well, and you seem happy too.” She remarked, after giving him a swift gaze from head to toe and back, and tugging her lips upward.

“Yeah, the business is doing well,” he said. Clamping his lips together, he gave her a small smile. “Happy? I can’t say so.”

“Why? W—wait, where’s Daeun, by the way?” She asked, scrunching her eyebrows before scanning the house as much as her eyes could reach. “I haven’t seen her yet.”

“She’s not here. I—we, we’re divorced.” He confessed, making her snap her head at him. Looking at her, who looked pale and shocked, he said, “About six years ago.”

“I—I… how about your child? The baby?” She asked warily, her pupils shaking.

“We lost it.” He said softly before breathing a deep sigh. “Daeun had complications and went through so much bleeding, and eventually the doctor had us chose whom to save between the two.”

“I—I’m sorry, I—I didn’t know. I’m sorry, Jaehyun that was so insensitive of me, I shouldn—”

“No, no, it’s okay. It’s not your fault, and you didn’t know, so don’t say sorry.” He assured her, giving her a soft smile before bringing his head down. “After some time, we realized our marriage wasn’t working anymore, so we eventually decided to part ways.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve asked for divorce earlier, then this might not have happened and you could’ve spent more time with he—”

Gazing back at her, her cut her off. “Stop saying that, all of this wasn’t your fault.” Holding her gaze, he continued. “Daeun and I went our separate ways because we realized how wrong we were. That what we had won’t really work no matter how much we pushed it. In time, we understood what we really wanted and what should and should’ve not happened.”

“I—I never knew you were such in a situation.” He heard her say in a hushed tone, getting his full attention. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t there for you, Jaehyun.”

A gentle smile played on his lips before leaning against the porch and tucking his hands in his pockets. “I’m actually glad you weren’t there at that time.” From the corner of his eyes, he saw how she flinched and looked back at him. But in that moment, he could not bring himself to look back at her, not when he was not sure if he could meet her gaze. Breathing an audible sigh, he courageously gazed back only to see the hurt in her face that immediately faded as if she was trying to mask everything she was feeling again. Pain twanged his stomach but he pushed through and smiled. “I didn’t want you to see me at my lowest, wrecked and so lost. I’m happy that you didn’t witness how life trampled me over and over because somehow, somewhere out there, someone still sees me as the Jaehyun before—the strong and happy one and that made me continue in going, in living, and that’s you, Eun Ae.”

An awkward pause fell between them before comfort eventually came hugging the both of them with so much warmth and tranquility brought by his raw honesty. And maybe for the very first in nine years, the silence settling in the air became comforting once again, definitely like how it used to, before life and fate decided to play with them and their hearts.

As Jaehyun gazed at her for as long as he could, he caught his breath in surprise when she gave him a soothing smile, the smile he has been waiting for to see all those years, the smile of consolation, his solace, his home.

“There you are, we’ve been turning the house upside down to find the both of you,” Eun Ae’s mom said, catching her breath as sweat trickled down her face. “It’s time to eat, sweethearts.”

Nodding their heads, both of them sauntered towards the dining table but before Jaehyun could even take another step, he stopped on his tracks and softly held Eunha’s wrist, making the latter halt and turn her head at him. “It’s nice to see you again, Mrs. Kim.” He uttered, very softly and calculating.

He immediately shot his head up with shock contorting his face. “It’s mom for you Jaehyun,” he heard her say, catching him off guard. Biting his tears, he pursed his lips when Eunha smiled at him and caressed his cheek. “Always will be. No matter what happened or what happens, I’ll always be your second mom and you’ll always be my son, okay?” She said, before encasing him in a tight familiar hug.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“How about you, Eun Ae? Red wine or Vodka?” He heard his mother teasingly asked as they settled in the dining area, almost done eating. He just shook his head with his mother’s offer, knowing fully well that Eun Ae did not like alcoholic beverages.

“Water for me, mom,” she said, beaming at her and Jaehyun felt odd noticing the weird smile on his mother’s face, but chose to push it away.

Lunch went smoothly. Jaehyun enjoyed how their families bonded together again like how they used to before. For an hour or two, they just talked about how their lives have changed, what they indulge now and how happy they were as everything seemed to come into place. He was more than thankful that he had this chance; a second chance to be with the people who was deeply engraved in his soul, the people he loved the most, and the very few people his heart always yearned for.

“I just have to get something, I’ll be back.” Eunha said before striding outside the house hastily, leaving Jaehyun and Eun Ae dumbfounded but Jaehyun’s parents laughing and shaking their heads.

“The dishes are on us,” his mother said, before gesturing her hands shooing them away. “Go on and catch up with life.”

The both of them just looked at each other before breaking a smile and going to the garden, sitting on the brown simple bench she loved the most.

“How’s lunch?”

“I enjoyed it, it was so delicious!” She said, throwing him a grin. “I’ve never ate like that before, I think I just gained two kilos from that single meal.”

A laugh escaped his lips before tilting his head to the side to meet her eyes. “Oh really? Come on, you can even finish three cups of rice before by just munching a mere seaweed. I doubt what you ate a while ago was the most you ever did.”

He laughed even more when she glared at him and playfully slapped his arm. “I cannot! You’re lying! I don’t eat that much!”

“Am not! Don’t you even remember how you’ll beg me to give half of my rice to you every lunch even though mom had packed three cups for you? Come on, don’t tell me you don’t!”

“Shut up, Jaehyun! It wasn’t three! It was just two! Just two cups!” She shrieked slapping his arms and stomping her feet like an impatient child.

“See! Now you remember!” He teased, laughing harder when she took hold of his cheeks and pinched them hard.

“Meanie,” she said, scrunching her nose and pouting her lips.

Just then, Jaehyun abruptly placed his hands on hers when she was about to pull them away from his cheeks, and gazed at her with yearning shimmering in his eyes. “I missed you. I missed you so much, Eun Ae.” He said softly, just above a whisper and enough for her to hear. Squeezing his eyes shut and leaning his face to her hands, he basked in the warmth of her presence and savored the words he pined for to hear.

“I missed you too, Jaehyun. You know how much I do.”

“I’m sorry—”

“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you—to us in the past, Eun Ae,” he started, opening his eyes and looking at her as he poured his heart out. “I was an ass and had you suffer for two whole years. I was a jerk who caused you immense pain you didn’t deserve, and I want you to know that I’m very sorry for that. I—If I could just turn back time, I would. And—I wouldn’t choose to hurt you. I’m so sorry—”

“I wasted everything—everything I once had. I pushed you away, made you cry, made you doubt your self-worth, made you feel less of what you are—of who you are, and I’m ashamed of everything else I did to you,” he said in a choked sob, hands trembling and shoulders shaking. A single crystal ball of water fell from his eyes and that was all it took before the rest eventually followed like raindrops falling from the mourning sky. “If I could write them all, it would take me years to list them down because I made you suffer once you opened your eyes every single day the sun decided to show up in the sky. I’m so sorry. I fucked up—I fucked up all the fucking time, even all the chances you gave me. You gave me everything I don’t deserve and I repaid you by hurting you, I’m—I’m so sorry, Eun Ae.”

He looked down, biting down another wave of tears that he was feeling coming up. Pursing his quivering lips together, he took a deep breath before staring back at her, whose eyes were drenched with tears, and continuing, “I treated you like shit—like you weren’t even my best friend, like you weren’t even someone I spent almost all my whole life with. I treated you like a toy I could just dispose every time I’m done having fun with and I’m so fucking sick to do that, I’m so—sorry. You didn’t deserve any of those. I’m so—sorry, Eun Ae. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but at least, I want you to know how sorry, how—how regretful and how ashamed I am for everything I’ve done to you. ”

“I’ve already forgiven you way back, Jaehyun,” was all he heard in a very gentle tone. “And everything you said just now was all I’ve been waiting all these years to hear to eventually really forget everything we’ve been through.”

A shaky breath escaped his lips as her delicate fingers caressed his cheeks ever so gently and soothingly, “Cut yourself some slack. We both played our parts in everything that had happened between us. Yes, you made mistakes, but so did I. I had a huge part in everything that had happened, everything in those two whole years, and everything in that marriage. You’ve got to stop beating yourself up for what had happened in the past.”

“Wh—why—”

“Why did I forgive you?” she asked, tears running down her cheeks but a sweet smile plastering on her lips. “That’s the Jaehyun I know, the always curious one,” she chuckled, running her thumbs along his cheeks and wiping the trails of his salty tears. “I forgave you because I had to move on, and I wouldn’t be able to move forward if I’d still bring all of those baggages with me wherever I go. Flying to New York would’ve been senseless and useless if I still let the past rule over my life. I would be going nowhere if I did that; if I allowed the past to continue haunting me. So, I had to forgive you, and forget you, and everything we’ve been through to be able to start a new life.”

She chewed her lower lip for a moment before continuing. “I thought I would never get through it. But somehow, I did. Because eventually, I got to love the gaps you had left behind. Because somewhere along the process, I realized I can honestly stand on my two wobbly feet again, and that although my heart was shattered in a million pieces, one way or another I’d eventually put them back altogether, maybe not as perfect as before, but nevertheless functioning and much stronger.”

“And…I guess you did?”

“Yup, I did. I was able to start anew and it felt more refreshing than ever,” she replied honestly. “And you’ve got to do that, too, Jaehyun. You have to move on with life. Stop crying over and being stuck with the past, you’re wasting a lot of precious time with that.”

“I—I can’t,” he said in a soft raw voice, making her scrunch her brows. Smiling bitterly, he confessed. “For you to move on, you forgave me. But for me to move forward, I have to forgive myself, and I couldn’t bring myself to do that.”

“Jaehyun—”

“I can’t just forgive myself when everything I did was all inexcusable, Eun Ae. At first, I thought if I suffered all the consequences of my actions it would’ve been enough to forgive myself—but—but they weren’t,” his voice cracked and he started to sob again. “Every time I feel the pain piercing my heart, I’d always remember your face—of how you suffered in our marriage—f—for two years—and I always find myself saying that the pain I was experiencing was nowhere near to what you had went through. I couldn’t move forward because it felt unfair—the agony I had to through was not even the slightest bit near to what you had to experience and had to put up to—and it was unfair—it was unfair to you—”

“Jaehyun, nothing is fair in pain,” she stated wisely, giving him a smile. “Yes, we do get hurt, but its intensity and how it hit us will always vary from person to person. We all have our own ways and limits on how much we can take, and there was no way for you to tell me that your sufferings were never near to what I went through—that they couldn’t compare to what I had to take—that they weren’t enough.”

Raking her fingers through his hair, she told him. “Your pain is your pain, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to gauge how much you’ve been hurting to tell you that you weren’t suffering enough,” she said. “Because pain is pain no matter how you see it—no matter what angle you’ll look at it. I don’t need to compare the pain you had gone through with what I had because they’re both the same—they’re both pain—and in the end we both suffered—we both lost. And just by looking at you now, you seemed to have been beating yourself up for the past years, and that has to stop—you’ve got to stop that now.”

“Eun Ae,”

“Sometimes, there are lessons needed to be learned the hard way, and I guess that’s just how life works,” she said, her heart in her throat and cutting him off. “You’ve got to let go, Jaehyun. You’ve got to move on. There’s more to life than all of this, and you’ve got to see that. I want my best friend to see that, too.”

“Will it be worth it?” he asked in a small voice, doubt dripping in his tone.

“Yes,” she assured him before encasing him in a hug. “It’s worth a try.”

As the two of them wallow in the agony of their past and hope for their future, they relished the feeling of being able to deal with their haunting emotional tortures with someone else to be with, someone to lean on, someone to suffer with, and someone who would listen. They basked in warmness as love wrapped them in soothing comfort, and for Jaehyun it was almost as if he was alive once again—the heavy burden on his back has been lifted and the dark prisons of his heart were nowhere to be found.

At last, he managed to do what he should have done years back—to owe up to his mistakes and ask for forgiveness, to not cower in fear and shame and let remorse push him to his limits to eventually do the right thing, to say the truth and face all the consequences head on, to free himself from the bounds of darkness that kept him hollow.

Everything was coming altogether as he wished and there was only one thing left. Pulling away from the hug and wiping her tears away with his thumb, he looked at her ever so gently before standing up and slowly going down on one knee and capturing her hands in his. “This is too selfish of me to ask, but will you give me another chance?” He asked ever so gently, his face anxious and almost hopeful. His hopes soaring high like a kite in the sky but rejection holding onto its string. “I—I promise I won’t fuck up ever again and I would make up to everything I’ve did. I have no intentions of hurting you, and I would do anything to be worthy to be by your side again, Eun Ae. ”

A tear or two fell from his eyes when her mouth fell open and her eyes shook tremendously. A twinge of fear tightened in his stomach when he saw how the shimmers in her eyes faltered weakly and how she bit her quivering lips abruptly. Rejection seemed to pull back the strings of his hopes high up in the clouds as he saw her choking back her sobs and slamming her hands to cover her mouth. In that moment, he felt his mind blacking out, his airway getting blocked, and his heart stopping.

“Of course, Jaehyun. Of, course.”

“Eun Ae—”

“Stop running, Mark! I told you, no running once we arrive.”

Just then, the front door burst open with Eunha sauntering towards the house steps with a little boy running and leaping by her side as he held her hands, immediately cutting him off with what he was about to say and getting their full attention.

“Sorry, grandma,” the little boy sheepishly said, rubbing his cheek with the back of his hand before scanning the house and instantly running towards them with a wide smile, rendering him stupefied. “Mommy!”

And just then, the world seemed to stop for him as his eyes followed the little boy running towards the woman before him.

“I missed you, mommy!” The little boy said, jumping into Eun Ae’s arms.

“Oh sweetie, mommy missed you too. Were you with grandma all along?”

“Yes! We were supposed to surprise you—oops,” the little boy stopped midway and covered his mouth with his hand. He gave her a grin before titling his head towards him. “Mommy, who is he?” He heard the little boy asked as he bore his eyes on him. From his height, Jaehyun has a feeling that the little boy might be five to seven years old, he was not entirely surely but his guts was telling him so. Baffled, he gave the little boy with dark brown eyes a few more swift gaze before noting how he exactly looked like Eun Ae, he got her lips and her nose and her auburn hair.

Suddenly, the idea of having a child with her punched him in the gut. Could it be his? Guilt shattered in his chest as the possibility of the answer being a yes pained him. If so, then did she go through all those sufferings of being pregnant alone? She suffered alone, again?

“Sweetie, let me introduce you to him,” she said, pulling him back to reality. “Jaehyun, meet Mark, my son. Mark meet Uncle Jaehyun, he’s mommy’s best friend.”

Still in shock with a whirling mind, he just stared at the little boy before him. Could it really be? It could be.

“Hello! Nice to meet you, Uncle Jaehyun!” the little boy ecstatically greeted, and from his tone Jaehyun eventually recovered hearing the same ecstatic tone he used to listen to years ago. He chuckled, he doesn’t only look like her but he also got her traits. “I’m Mark; I’m mommy’s favorite because we look alike.”

“Nice to meet you too, Mark,” he said with a beam, shifting from his position and bending down to meet the little boy’s gaze who entangled himself from the previous hug and jumped to the ground. Raking his long fingers through the little boy’s head who was now hugging him, a surge of warmness and hope and love shot up from his heart. His ticker was pounding so hard underneath his chest and his hands were restlessly sweating and shaking. Looking at Eun Ae who began tearing up and had her hands covering her mouth, he asked. “How old is he?”

“He—”

Suddenly pain pressed in waves and he felt his heart shattering into millions of irreparable fragments. Cold sweat ran through his head and trickled down his neck before his lungs eventually lost the oxygen it needed to function. He did not even feel the little boy jumping out from his hug as he was too frozen and too spaced out to feel anything, his senses halting from functioning with what he heard that painfully rang in his ears. Jaehyun’s eyes just brokenly followed the little boy who was running excitedly towards the front door.

“Daddy!” the little boy yelled at the top of his lungs before throwing himself at the tall man standing in his door.

His head immediately snapping towards Eun Ae. “Sehun?” He heard her mutter incredulously as he looked at the scene before him, making him look as lost as ever.

“Buddy, grandma said no running,” the man said, swooping the little boy up in his arms before eventually sauntering towards them with a beam.

“Oh my god,” Jaehyun heard her say in a shaky tone, abruptly standing up from the bench.

Suddenly, his world stopped and so did his heart. Swallowing the lump settling in his throat and biting the tears he felt was coming up; he stood up from the ground and looked at the man who wrapped his other free arm around Eun Ae’s waist.

And in that moment, Jaehyun knew it was over, it was certainly over for him as realization hit him hard like a harsh big wave that knocked him off of his feet.

“So, how’s my beautiful wife been doing?” He heard the man asked, brushing his lips on the top of Eun Ae’s head before looking down at her with sparkling eyes. “And my two little angels?” He said, rubbing the palms of his hands against her stomach.

“We’re doing fine, Sehun,” Eun Ae grunted. “You didn’t tell me you’re going to be here. I thought you and Mark will stay in New York?”

“Well, I guess, I can’t seem to keep my eyes and hands off of my wife and beautiful angels, can I?”

“Sehun, it’s only for a week.”

Jaehyun only watched as the man put down Mark, who was fidgeting from his previous hold and ran to Eunha, immediately munching the brownies in her hands which earned him a scolding.

“My little sunset, a day without you was already a torture. How would you expect me to stay still and wait for a goddamn week?

“Language, Mr. Oh,” he heard her reprimanding him with a stern voice. “The babies might hear you.”

“Daddy’s sorry little rainbows,” the man said, crouching down and kissing her stomach above the fabric of her blouse, which made her giggle. Standing up, he captured her lips in a chaste kiss before grinning ever so mischievously and leaning towards her ears, whispering ever so softly which Jaehyun could not hear, “Daddy’s sorry too, little sunset.”

Jaehyun’s brows were scrunched when Eun Ae slapped the man’s arm as her cheeks dazzled with a bright shade of red before hearing her yell, “Oh, shut up!”

And just then, blood seemed to run out from his veins as his heart eventually stopped pumping. Tears burned his eyes like acid, and he did not know what to do but to keep them at bay, to keep them in the corner of his eyes and not let them fall. Suddenly, bitterness and pain shattered in his chest like a shards of sharp glasses but he managed to stretch his lips into a smile.

“Ah—sorry, I got too distracted. By the way, Sehun this is Jaehyun, my ex-husband,” she started, her right arm and hand extending to him as if introducing him to the man beside her, while her left arm wrapped around the man’s waist. The man extended his hand before him for a polite handshake which he received. “Jaehyun meet Sehun, my husband.”

“Nice to meet you, Jaehyun.”

“Likewise,” was his only brief reply, bobbing his head before pulling back his hand.

“Oh and—Mark! Come here for a little while, sweetie,” he faintly heard her say as his eyes studied the man who was now her husband before meeting the little boy once again who eventually came back running in high speed. “This is Mark and he’s four years old. He’s just too tall for his age,” she said sheepishly before looking at the man who was named Sehun and snorting. “Probably got his genes from his father,” she said, letting out a scoff and rolling her eyes.

“Jeez, he already got your lips and hair and nose, why are you still jealous he got my height?”

“Because he has your eyes too!”

“And? He got your traits too, you know.”

“Mommy daddy don’t fight. You’re still my favorite, mommy.”

“See! Come on, he even favors you more than me.”

“Hmph.”

Just then, the once loud sounds eventually faded out as his void took over his mind and his soul. Jaehyun just blankly looked at the picture before him of a small, happy family, and a dream coming true— Eun Ae’s own family, a family of her own,—a dream coming to life.

Pain pierced through his heart, remembering the wishful thinking he has been having over the last seven years, of having a family with Eun Ae, a family she could call her own with him by his side, supporting her in every dream she wanted to reach. Suddenly, he felt like he was at the wrong side of the cigarette, the sensation of his lips burning with the imagination of the same scenario before him coming to life but it was him as Sehun, the imagination that would always stay as an imagination, a mere wishful fantasy, forever.

Keeping his gaze focused on the woman he loved the most, smiling brighter than the sun, he knew she was happy, very much happy to say. He has never seen her this happy before, not even during the times he thought that they were having the time of their lives, not even those days where he brought her to the amusement parks or played basketball with her, not even those summer vacations by the beach where they spend the whole week burying themselves in the sand and exposing their bodies to the sun, not even when they were standing before the altar and exchanging their vows.

Yes, he has seen her happy but not like this, not to the extent that tears pricked her eyes as the overwhelming surge of happiness erupted within her, not to the point where he could even see her heart in her eyes, not to the level where the sounds of her laughter and giggle were filled with so much love and genuineness that he for sure would never forget, not to the degree where she was looking like utterly flying freely above the clouds.

She was happy, she has now certainly found her happiness—took a hold of it, cherished it, and has no plans of ever letting it go, and he was in no position to take it away from her, not again, never.

A tug on his wrist sucked him back to reality as Mark stood before him with a goofy smile flashing in his lips.

“Uncle, let’s play,” the little boy said before smiling wolfishly. “Do you play basketball?”

Swallowing the lump from his throat, he crouched down to meet the little boy’s eyes before ruffling his hair and swooping him in his arms. “I surely do, mate.”

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

“Mark, it’s time to say goodbye now. We have to go, sweetie.”

“I don’t want to go yet, I still want to play with Uncle Jae.”

Jaehyun looked at Eun Ae who breathed a sigh, before crouching down and settling her delicate hands on Mark’s cheeks. “But it’s time to go home, sweetie. It’s already late.”

But the little boy just shook his head, determined not to go home.

“Buddy, mommy has to rest, your fellow rainbows have worn her out too much already.”

“But I still want to play,” the little boy dolefully muttered, fidgeting the hem of his shirt.

“You can just come back and visit me again, mate,” Jaehyun eventually said, kneeling before the little boy who adored him so much even with the few hours they spent together and playfully ruffling his hair. A calculated smile painted his lips when the little boy spoke.

“But I don’t know when,” the little boy said, still keeping his head down. “I live a plane away from you; I don’t have much money to see you again. I’m not working yet.” He said painfully.

Jaehyun let out a boisterous laugh as he playfully swept the little boy in his arms again. “But I do, mate. Uncle Jae has lots of money to meet you, so don’t you worry.” He assured him, handing the little boy to his father without any disagreements.

“You will?” the little boy asked, hope sparkling in his eyes.

Before ultimately vowing, Jaehyun shifted his gaze at Eun Ae, who just nodded at him, making him smile at his new found happiness. “I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

As Sehun bobbed his head towards him and bringing Mark with him to the car, Jaehyun watched as Eun Ae strode towards him with a loving smile, which he politely and wholeheartedly returned.

”My answer about your question a while ago still stands,” she said, breathing deeply and flashing him a smile. “I’m willing to give you another chance, I’m willing to give our friendship another chance.”

“Thank you for today, Jaehyun. It’s been so long since we met, and I’m very grateful I saw you again.”

Clamping his lips together, he sighed. “No, I should be the one to thank you, Eun Ae. Thank you for coming back and letting me see you again.”

Reaching her hands and eventually wrapping them with his, he said. “I want to say, I’m sorry.”

“Jaehyun, it’s okay. You don’t have to—”

Shaking his head, he continued. “I want to say that I’m not only sorry for the things I had done but also for the things I had not done for you. For the things you could’ve done if it weren’t for me ruining it all for you—for us.” Tears pooled in his eyes before swallowing hard and looking back at her. “And right now, I want you to be happy. Be happy, Eun Ae, please be happy.”

A sob escaped her lips and it took all Jaehyun had to stop himself from hugging her, not wanting his walls to break that might bring consequences he would never be able to take. But he gasped when a pair of arms wrapped him warmly before eventually feeling the fabric above his shoulders getting wet. “I’m happy Jaehyun, and I will always be happy. I want you to be happy too, so please be happy Jaehyun. Will you please be happy, too?”

And like a dam that broke its walls, the impending tears he bit down from coming up finally flowed like droplets of rain by the windshield, running down endlessly. Pain clenched his heart knowing fully well the answer to her question. Nodding his head, he felt her tightened the hug even more before pulling away and caressing his cheeks all the while giving him the sweetest smile he had ever seen.

“Find your happiness,” she said, before eventually retrieving her hands back and sauntering towards the car, failing to hear him say in a soft hushed tone, “I did, I already found it. It just took me quite long to admit it.”

As the car ultimately left his abode, alongside with his parents, with tears in his eyes and standing firmly with a broken heart and gazing at the road the car of the woman he loved the most travelled on, he finally muttered. “It’s you. It has always been you, Eun Ae, always have, always will be.”

Looking up at the lonely dark sky, he softly and brokenly asked. “Why did it have to be you? Why can’t I be the one to make you happy?”

Striding back to living room, Jaehyun weakly sat on the sofa, feeling very much bone tired. As his mind flew to his interrupted conversation with Eun Ae when Mark ran towards the front door yelling the word he wanted to hear the most, he absolutely knew that right at that moment, confessing his love for her after all the years that had passed would not mean anything to her anymore—or if it would it might just ruin what they had just started because right now he knew someone else has her heart and someone else was in her heart—and it was not him, now.

Jaehyun basically knew that he met her again at the wrong time and he had to suppress and pay no heed to what his heart was telling him to do for the second time. He knew he would never have the chance to tell her he loves her, not as a friend nor as a best friend but as a woman, the woman he would want to meet at the altar once again but this time, to receive all his love, his whole being, his everything, if given another goddamn shot for a lifetime.

Looking back to what happened a while ago; a bitter smile painted his lips as he rolled the wedding ring in his hand—the same wedding ring he gave her seven years ago and could not manage to throw away, all the while caressing it with his fingers as he realized that it was not the right time to tell her everything—because in all actuality, his right time had already passed him by. He had years and years to ask for forgiveness and tell her what he truly felt—that he loves her, but he did not. Life had given him so many chances to run after her and take her back but he chose not to. Instead, he chose to cower in fear and shame—fear of being rejected and shame of what he had done to her in the years that they were together as supposed to be husband and wife.

It sucked to be him. All along, he had everything in life right under his nose but he was a fool and a blind man to notice it. It took him losing everything he once had before realizing that bit by bit he was throwing away everything he had for some short happiness, a happiness he then saw as part of delusions of his past.

He put all his attention to another woman, whom he thought he really loved. He brought her to dates, flaunted her as his woman in occasions, and even fucked her multiple times—to the point he had a child with her. He took her out for tours—domestic and international, while he left Eun Ae to rot at home. All those times of spending his every single day with Daeun, he was blinded by the illusion that he was the woman he really loved, that she was the one for him. Truth be told, he really loved Daeun. He really did, but not as much as he loves Eun Ae.

And he kept wondering why it took him so long to know it, to admit it, to say he loves Eun Ae without any reservations. Maybe all those years, he was just too afraid to accept the truth that after spending those simple small talks, sarcastic and endless banters, brief and long cuddles, shared laughter and tears, and exchanged care with Eun Ae, he actually fell in love with her, too. He irrevocably fell in love with his best friend, his ex-wife, Eun Ae, all along.

Breathing deeply and catching his breath as he found himself restlessly and painfully sobbing from thinking of the unforgotten memories and feelings, and wishful and hopeful future that would never come and become true, pain ultimately shattered in his chest all at once, breaking every single wall remaining and guarding his heart.

Jaehyun let out a bitter, aching laugh as he remembered what his parents told him a while ago. “Come back,” they said. “You have a home in us.” Truthfully, it was an option—that was an option he could look at. But he refused, because more than a warm house where he belonged and feel accepted, it was the time he was after. It was the old days he wanted to find and live again. It was the past he wanted to go to and relive once again—to fix his mistakes, to do what was right, to treasure every passing time with her, to enjoy the life of being loved by her, to cherish every moment he shared with her, and to hold her forever in his arms and never let her go, but unfortunately he could never do that, he did not have any portal for that.

“Friends,” he muttered, remembering the second chance she gave him. Truth be told, he did not want to be friends with her, not when it could probably bring him down if he would not be able to manage his emotions and actions properly and eventually wreck everything they have just created.

“Of course,” he said inconsolably, slouching deeper on the sofa and tilting his head up as his painful smile stretched his lips while tears ran down his face. But Jaehyun was willing to be friends with her; he was more than willing to do so because that was the closest thing possible to be near her again. And no matter how much it hurts, he was willing to watch and stand on the side and not get on the way.

From the very start, Eun Ae had always been giving him the love he did not deserve. She always loved but never got loved back.

Back then, it was Eun Ae’s time to love and not to be loved back by the one and only person, whom she truly loved with all her heart, mind, soul, and everything she had got.

Back then, he had his turn to love and to be loved.

Maybe this time, it was Eun Ae’s turn to love and to be loved.

And maybe this time, it was his time to love and not to be loved back by the one and only person, whom he truly loves with all his heart, mind, soul, and everything he have got.


	3. To Love and To Be Loved

The hardest part in leaving was not what you have left behind, but rather the feeling of having to detach to someone you knew you wanted and could have spent a whole lifetime with.

That was Eun Ae felt for the first few years when she packed her bags and flew to New York, leaving everything and everyone behind.

The aftermath of having a broken heart was truly devastating; she was back to square one in trying to know who she really was, what she really wanted, and what she really needed.

To put it simply, finding the pieces of herself she had lost was tedious, just too tedious. Waking up every single day questioning where she should begin, what should she had to find, and how could she get to the phase they called moving on.

It was hard, trying to figure out what step she should take when just like love, school never taught how to fix a heart cracked in two. For the first few months, Eun Ae felt as if she was thrown into the waters without having any knowledge or skill to swim to the shallows and save herself; she was left to figure out things on her own to keep her head above the water.

She made use of textbooks, magazines, excerpts, stories and whatever you may call it to know the basics on how to heal a broken heart but not even one of them helped her. She was always dubbed as someone being fast to adapt to her surroundings and follow such instructions, but she doubted that title when she could not easily follow the steps given by the materials she read.

Months had already passed yet she was still wallowing with the pain inflicted by her past, and she could not seem to drag herself back to the shallows. Since they were not effective and she grew tired of the routine, she eventually chose to step out of the house and get some job to clear her mind.

There upon, she purposely applied to become a teacher's aide in a day care center which was a few blocks away from her home. Handling their family business was not option during those times as she did not want to be reminded about anything of the life she left back in Korea; hence it was her mother who solely took over their company while she engrossed herself with taking care of kids from 8am in the morning until 5pm in the afternoon.

Opposed to the progress she had when she turned to the how-to of the reading materials she used, being surrounded by kids was a great help for her and her situation. The nine hours of being stuck with kids never tired her, if anything, it just boosted her energy to the maximum and made her happy. At some point, it even took away her lingering thoughts on the past. Working as a teacher’s aide and getting surrounded by kids became her therapy; and it was a great pill so to speak.

Her heart was slowly recovering and she was little by little finding the lost pieces she had lost. She was spending more time alone, trying to know herself more; however, she never forgot to make time for her mother as she made sure to bond with her as much as she could whenever she was not piled up with business matters to tend to. She also began to treat herself more, going on domestic and international trips, food trips, and even simple pampering of her body by going to the salon every weekend.

Through her small baby cute steps towards moving on, she was certainly healing slowly but surely; taking her time and savoring the moment every time she discovered a piece of herself.

She was more than happy and proud of her progress that after a year, she was even able to genuinely smile at the people around her without having any thoughts swirling at the back of her mind. She began to live a free and carefree life, and surrounded herself with pure genuine love which she received from her mother, the kids she was taking care of, workmates in the day care center, and parents of the kids at school whom she grew to love as well.

Everything was going fine, she was at the point of her life where she could honestly say that she was happiest, but never did she knew or dreamt of that this was just the start, that the happiest peak of her life was just yet to come and find her.

"How are you, little sunset?" Two thumbs caressing her tired swollen eyes instanlty made her heart melt; the thumbs of the person who made her reach the happiest point of her life. "How's your talk with Jaehyun? I hope Mark and I didn't interrupt you much to tell him what you've been meaning to."

Eun Ae shook her head as she leaned to his touch, closing her eyes and smiling sweetly. Years have passed yet his simple touch would never fail to put her heart at ease, and probably, she would never take that gesture for granted.

"That's good," Sehun said.

Eun Ae's eye shot open when she did not feel any of his thumbs any longer. Her heart bloomed when she saw Sehun tugging her seatbelt and strapped it on her before leaning and giving her forehead a soft kiss. "I hope those conversations are worth of your tears," he said as he cupped her cheeks, looking at her longingly.

"They were," she said, wrapping her hands in his, keeping them in her cheeks. "We're fine now, and I've forgiven him with all my heart."

Eun Ae closed her eyes as her world spun when Sehun leaned in and captured her lips in a loving and breathtaking kiss that lasted for a good few seconds but felt like an hour. He placed his nose against hers and she loved the minty breath that fanned her lips.

"Good. I'm happy and proud of you," Sehun softly said before kissing her lips once again. "You're really a superwoman, aren't you?"

Eun Ae shook her head and laughed at him, enjoying the moment they were having. "I am one because of you."

"No," Sehun said as his thumbs ran along the under of her eyes, trying to soothe them as they were swollen, making her flutter her eyes shut. "You're already one even before I met you."

"I wasn't. I was weak when you met me for the first time, and I was still weak when you found me in New York," she said, tilting her head up quite a little to give Sehun more access to run his thumb underneath her eyes. A soft wave of chuckle escaped her lips when Sehun kissed the both of her eyelids.

"You weren't weak," he said. "If battling your demons alone in the dark every single day is a sign of being weak then I don't know what being strong is."

No words came out from Eun Ae's mouth but Sehun understood her, and it was one of the precious things she loved and was very grateful for—finding someone who would hear and understand her silence.

In that moment, a surge of gratitude and love swamped her all at once that they pricked her eyes. "Do I really deserve you?" She asked softly.

Up until today, Eun Ae could not believe that she found Sehun, that she found a love so consuming but in a very positive way. She could not fathom how she was able to receive such affection and care from someone else who was not her mom. A love that was something she never dreamt of having, because it was beyond what she has ever dreamt of—a love that was more than healing, more than saving, and more than keeping.

"Shouldn't I be the one to ask that?" Sehun asked with a tone oozing with honey and gentleness. "Do you think I deserve to have you? To be loved by such a strong and selfless woman like you? You were more than I ever hoped to find in this lifetime, everything and more than what I thought someone like me could ever deserve to hold.”

Eun Ae shook her head as she bit the tears coming up. "You deserve more than anything in this world, Sehun. You deserve someone stronger than me, someone who is far more enough than who I am," she said brokenly, pouring her heart out.

She caught her breath in surprise when he kissed her fervorly, his tongue exploring her mouth as if he wanted to erase every bit of word she just said.

"And you, by far, is the epitome of what strong is; you're the strongest woman in this world. You proved that when you loved him selflessly, because at one point when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love, the love you’re supposed to give to yourself, and that sacrifice alone was more than enough," Sehun said, almost breathless with the lipstick smearing kiss he gave her.

"You were broken open but that didn't stop you from loving again, from giving love a chance and at the same time invite heartbreak to hit you once again. You gave me a chance to love you, you risked of getting hurt once again, and if that's not a declaration of what being strong is then I don't know what it is. You're always and will forever be more than enough for me,” he continued.

The tears that she tried to keep at bay began to fall one by one and streak her cheeks but she did not notice them as Sehun dived back in and seized her lips earnestly almost bordering to hungrily as if he did not kiss her just a few moments ago.

Instantly, a wave of love swamped her off of her feet, and enjoyed every single bit of it as she basked in the overflowing affection and care Sehun was pouring for her.

He was one of the very few pillars in her life. He found her again when she was in New York and was struggling to start anew. Sehun offered his hand to help her get back on her feet but she declined, wanting to stand on her own and not be dependent on anyone else. She did not want history to repeat itself, when she relied too much on someone to help her bounce back that when he decided to cut her off from his life, she was left scrambling to live.

Sehun did not take her rejection negatively and was even amused with her strength and determination. He stood by her side and guided her when needed without having to hear something from her, and he did it out of care and later on, out of love.

Eun Ae was not dumb not to figure it out. He was giving her what she needed, what she wanted without even asking him to; he was able to see through her and took care of her to the utmost he can, and she knew all those were screaming love.

But she did not want to let him in when her heart was not fully recovered yet, when there were still fragments of her past love settling inside it. And Sehun understood that, so he waited on the side as patiently as he could until she was finally okay.

And that was when Jaehyun's name didn’t slip from her lips, and his face didn’t cross her mind any longer. There came a time when she didn’t see him anymore; he wasn’t just there. He didn’t consume her entire being like how he used to. She did remember the things they did and they were some kind of those fleeting moments she used to had, but she didn’t stay on those moments anymore as she remained in the moment she was in.

Day after day, she realized that other men existed, that a guy like Sehun existed, that Jaehyun wasn’t the only man in the world, and day after day she was reminded that she, too, was loveable, that she was enough—more than enough to be loved than she never thought she could ever was.

And as she laid herself down to sleep every night and looked back to the things she had done for the day that drowned and replaced every single routine she used to had, the thought of moving on always sparked inside of her, like a light on a matching stick thriving to keep on burning, striving to provide light and hope.

As time went on, she thought of him less and less. Her tears that turned into anger that turned into healing that eventually turned into freedom. The pain of heartbreak and self-doubt that once loomed over her head ultimately disappeared like dust in the air as if they never existed.

She learned to listen to the songs they both used to jam on the radio without breaking apart. She began to wake up every morning without breaking down. She eventually missed him in ways that didn’t cause her anguish but care.

And one night, gazing at the star, in her heart and in her mind, she wished him well, hoping that one day she’ll see his smiling face again, wishing him anything and everything except harm; that he’ll be able to move on too.

And that night, she fully let him go as she successfully reclaimed the very last part of herself she once gave and had lost in him. She was whole again.

And the next day, she finally welcomed love with open arms once again. She allowed love to conquer her heart again; she gave love another chance and it was in the form of Sehun—the new love she knew she would hold onto and keep forever until her last breath. It was him who made her realize that there was nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that was filled with depth, intellect, understanding, and selflessness.

It was Sehun who made her feel she, too, was loveable, and that she was always and will forever be more than enough.

They shared a passionate kiss for a few minutes before Sehun eventually let go of her lips as she thumped his chest to gasp for air.

"Don't you ever belittle yourself again, especially in front of me. Don't ever think that you're not enough when you're more than enough than anything in this goddamn world. This world doesn't even deserve you," he said firmly yet lovingly as she gasped for air and bathe in the love surrounding her.

Eun Ae bobbed her head and pecked his lips before fixing her seatbelt and focused on the road they were about to travel on. She could not hide the smile on her lips with how Sehun treasured her as if she was not some worldly possession he could compare to anything.

Her heart danced when she looked at the mirror and saw Mark sleeping soundly at the backseat. It was just like yesterday when he was in her arms, so vulnerable and dependent, and now here he was managing to be on his own and take care of her and his siblings at such a young age.

Who would have thought that her dreams would come into life and she would be able to have a family she could proudly say her own? That she did not know as well and every single day, she was pondering and wondering how it happened; how she was able to find Sehun who made her dreams come true.

"A kiss for your thoughts?" Eun Ae burst out laughing as they drove towards their home. Sehun has always used this line to have a glimpse of what she was thinking and it never failed to make her give in.

"Can't do that, you're driving," she said, still chuckling. Eun Ae could still not forget the first time Sehun used that line; it was their first date and she was wondering if her meal had some ingredient she was allergic of when he suddenly blurted it out. It took a minute or so for her to recover from laughing before asking him what was up with his pickup line, and Sehun revealed that it was something he and only he could offer.

She later understood it more when he said that he did not have to offer her a penny when she likely had tons of it, so he would just give her something she badly needed. She could still remember how she rolled her eyes at him, teasing him that it was probably him who actually needed it and before she could even process his answer, she found herself melting when he captured her lips in a very quick and soft kiss, she knew she would never forget.

"I can give you that at home," she rolled her eyes at him as he said it teasingly. "Or I can give you more than that."

Eun Ae chuckled even more as she shook her head, hearing Sehun's antics that never gets old. "I was wondering why do call me as little sunset," she said earning a hum from Sehun. "Is it because of the first time we met?"

"Hmm, quite," Eun Ae furrowed her brows and looked at him questioningly. But Sehun kept his gaze on the road, his hands on the wheel. "The sunset was dancing behind you when you yelled to me your name. Since I was a bit far from you, you looked so little...and breathtaking just like the sun, that whenever I see it, it was you that I was seeing. The sunset reminded me of you."

Her lips formed into an 'O' before a soft chuckle escaped her lips as she finally discovered the reason behind her pet name. She bobbed her head and fixed her eyes back on the road, and reminisce their first encounter by the beach under the smiling and scorching sun.

She whipped her head back and looked at Sehun when she felt his hand encased hers.

"They said sunset symbolizes a passage of time to end the day and take a break. Some says it's the symbol of the beauty of life and mystery of it. While others say it's a depiction of an ending," Eun Ae absent mindedly bobbed her head as she listened to Sehun talk more about the sunset. She was confused where this conversation was going but nonetheless curious what were the reasons behind it.

Her heart leaped when Sehun turned the car to the right and stopped at the side and turned on the hazard lights of the car. Her furrowed brows immediately disappeared as he leaned against the seat and gazed at her lovingly.

"And I guess they're all true because at the end of the day, it's always you and will always be you I want to take a break with and end the day with. You're the beauty of my life and actual mystery of it," he said, before leaning in and giving her a head spinning kiss. "And you're the person whom I want to be with during the twilight of my life. You're the one I want to watch the sunset with as we breathe our last breaths."

Tears pricked Eun Ae's eyes as she take every single word Sehun just said, and probably for the nth time of the day, she received his heart once again. She did not know if it was because of her pregnancy hormones that she was crying easily or it was because of his words dripping with raw honesty. She did not know, and it did not matter, because all she ever needed to know was they were filling her heart with so much love and security.

"I should not really leave you for a whole ass day," she told him, brushing away the tears that were just yet to flow. "Look at you being so cheesy."

Her heart fluttered when Sehun chuckled heartily. He turned off the hazard lights and began to drive again. "You really shouldn't. I'm going to give you the scheduled kisses you missed when you flew back here."

Eun Ae closed her eyes shut with a toothy smile on her lips.

 

It's going to be a long night.

 

✪✪✪✪✪

 

"Drink this," Eun Ae's face instantly fell upon seeing the drinking glass filled with the liquid she hated the most.

Is he insane?

"No, I am not chugging that disgusting thing," she outright refused, shaking her head in utter disapproval.

"Little sunset, you have to. You and the little rainbows need this," Sehun said, with the gentlest tone she has ever heard him, and Eun Ae knew what he was going for: coax her.

"No, we don't. We're perfectly fine," musing her hands from her head to toe. "See."

"You are drinking this," he said sternly.

Shaking her head once again, she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I told you, I'm not."

Sehun placed the glass on the table near their bed before leaning against the door and crossing his arms in front of his chest, ultimately mocking her. "We can do this either in the easy way or the hard way," he taunted, wanting her to just give in.

But Eun Ae just tightened her grip on her arms even more as she narrowed her eyes on him. "I'm not drinking that."

"I'm not giving you an option, little sunset," he stated, shooting her a slithering gaze.

Getting irritated by Sehun's stubborness, Eun Ae placed her hands on her waist that instantly earned her a scoff.

This was her usual way of telling him to shut up and drop whatever topic they were having. This had been always effective; Sehun would always understand her action and what it meant, and would choose to back down in whatever argument they were having.

But that was until she found herself pregnant, and Sehun decided to become five times more protective than he already was.

"I swear to god, Sehun, you'll see yourself sleeping on the couch if you dare me drink that."

"No one's sleeping on the couch and you're going to drink this. You are absolutely going to do that now," he stated firmly, his brows scrunched in a strict manner.

"No!" Eun Ae refused, stomping her feet like a child, but not as harsh as she usually did.

They just got home after a long ass drive from the house of the Jungs and Sehun had just literally tucked Mark in the bed a few minutes ago, and she has no plans in waking up their little angel by her pregnancy tantrums.

To say that her blood was boiling would have been an understatement. If someone could just see her right now, murder would have been the only word to describe her. She hated the sly liquid to the bones because of the weird taste it leaves on her taste buds. And what she hated the most was probably needing to drink it at least once a day whenever she was pregnant.

Screw hormones! Screw pregnancy!

Not liking her response, Sehun sauntered towards her, grabbing the glass in his hand before stopping an inch from her face with a mischievous smile lingering on his lips, and being the wise and experienced wife, she knew it only meant one thing: trouble.

"You'll drink this on your own or you'll have me help you? Choose, little sunset, and you better choose the right decision for the both of us."

Eun Ae knew what that mischievous smile was hinting; Sehun would likely down the glass of milk only to transfer it to her mouth directly with his to be followed by a few rounds of sex after.

Truthfully, she was not, in any way, in disadvantage of this kind of arrangement, but when it comes to the ugly milk she despised the most, her pride just oozes over the place. And being the prideful woman she was, backing down was surely not an option.

"Fine!" She grunted with all her might, throwing her hands up in the air, finally conceding.

"See? It wasn't hard, was it?" He said, after she drank the glass of milk in one go.

"Now, out!" She ordered him, handing the empty glass she wanted to break.

Eun Ae glared at him when he grabbed the glass that was still within her hold with his warm big hands, consequently wrapping her small ones.

"Someone's angry,” he teased, running his thumb across her lips, wiping away a few drops of milk that settled on it, before sucking the same thumb he used a while ago and letting it go with a loud pop. “You know how much I love this fiery side of you. It just turns me on, babe."

"Whatever, Sehun, get out," she exasperatedly said, pointing at the door while her glinting eyes bore on him. Her blood boiled even more when a grin instantly plastered his face and only god knows how much she wanted to wipe it out.

Clicking his tongue loudly, he swiftly tugged her arms and gave her a chaste kiss that lingered on her lips for a few good seconds. "Okay, see you in a bit, little sunset."

Being the petty hormonal wife she was as of the moment, she dragged her hand and wiped her lips before rolling her eyes at him. "The only thing you're going to see is a pillow and a blanket thrown outside this room."

She immediately pushed the door shut when Sehun strode outside the room, laughing out loud looking like a man on meth.

"What an infuriating man!" she hissed, rubbing her temples tiredly before stripping off her clothes and running towards the shower.

As the hot water made a run to her body, she quickly sighed in bliss. This was what all she ever needed after a very tiring day. Her eyes were quite sore with the crying she had, her legs and butt were sore with the long drive they had, and her mind was at the same time doing somersaults over and over, remembering what happened today.

After seven years, she finally saw Jaehyun again, and today, she has finally let go of everything that used to bother her; finally, she was able to fully forgive him with all her heart. Eun Ae was happy that the both of them were able to reach out to each other once again. It was a liberating experience and probably a very memorable one.

Who would have thought that after everything they had went through, they would be able to reconcile and have the chance to get back what they once had and lost. All along, understanding, maturity and honesty were all they ever needed to free their hearts from the sorrows of their past.

But maybe more than the reconciliation, it was actually seeing Sehun and Mark that made her happy. She was surprised when she saw them with bright smiles plastering their faces as they went inside the house a while ago.

Eun Ae and Sehun both decided that she would go back to Korea for a week to meet the Jungs and accompany her mother, Eunha, in fixing some business permits for their corporation, while he would stay behind to look after Mark, who still have classes to go to.

But then, just like what her husband said, he just could not seem to take his eyes and hands off of her that he ultimately chose to follow her and ditch Mark's classes.

It might sound funny and ridiculous to many, but for Eun Ae it was a sweet and caring gesture, knowing fully well that her husband was going protective of her and their babies and that sense of security and safety would always never fail to melt her heart.

To sum it up, today was just a great day but that was until she had to face her mortal enemy in the form of milk.

That disgusting liquid, I would've strangled the person who invented that shit.

Having to deal with the disgusting liquid churns her stomach every night, and she hated how Sehun always forced her to chug it down when he knew how much she hated it.

All throughout their years of dating, he never purchased any kind of drink with milk in it because he knew how much she despised it. He was so understanding of her that every time they went on dinner dates, lunch dates, or whatever dates they were and how you call them, Sehun would never fail to interrogate the waitress about the ingredients of her meal, making sure she would never had to taste even a slightest bit of milk.

But that was before she got pregnant because the moment they confirmed she was bearing Mark in her womb, Sehun began to deliberately fill their fridge with bottles and bottles of milk, making sure that she got to have a doze of it at least once a day.

This pissed her off to the bones that she had Sehun sleep on the couch for a week as payment for having her drink a glass of milk for the very first that they were together. But that was not just it; she even reprimanded him from touching her for another week only to see herself succumbing to his unfair negotiations after a few days.

Eun Ae knew how much she needed it for the sake of her body and health of her babies, but how could you blame her when she has hated the mere existence of the drink since she was young? Especially when she got traumatized after consuming a glass of spoiled milk that sent her to the hospital with a churning stomach and an angry asshole for more than a week.

"I hate you, Sehun." A grunt escaped her lips remembering how painful her stomach was and how it performed somersaults over and over again until she released everything she ate. If there was just an effective alternative to it, she would rather consume it than suffer in forcing herself to face her mortal enemy every night.

Suddenly, her sudden scream tore the tranquility in the bathroom when a pair of arms snaked around her waist and held her tight, making her back lean against a hard chest, while a pair of hot, soft lips settled on her neck.

"I heard you hate me," her body instantly relaxed hearing the familiar voice that soothe her vexation. How many years have it been but hearing his voice still never failed to send tingles to her body.

Realizing she was still supposed to be angry with him, she struggled from his hold.

"Oh, yes, I do," she grunted, hostility very evident from her tone.

A chaste kiss landed on her neck that almost took away her anger. "We both know you don't," he said softly, keeping his lips on the base of her neck.

Shrugging her shoulders, Eun Ae breathed an audible sigh, trying to keep her staggering bitchy aura in place. "Whatever, get off me"

"Never," Eun Ae stifled a moan when Sehun ran his tonge along the base of her neck and sucked a sensitive spot, surely leaving a mark.

This infuriating man, she thought.

"Sehun, I said get off me," she sternly ordered him, still struggling from his hold. Eun Ae wanted to push him away and probably kick him where the sun does not shine but she did not want to turn her body around only to find herself succumbing to his pleads, especially when she was sure she would be greeted by a very delightful, tempting and mouthwatering sight. "Now."

"No," he refused, sucking another spot on her neck that left tingles on her body, as he rubbed small circles on her stomach. Eun Ae knew that a few more ministrations and her bitchy aura would soon find its exit, so keeping her determination intact, she imagined the glass of milk dancing in front of her, mocking her to drink him.

You disgusting thing!

"Oh, sorry but I'm not giving you any option, mister," she mocked, repeating what Sehun said earlier, but in a sassy manner only hormonal pregnant wives could relate to.

If only Eun Ae could flip her hair this instant, then she would have surely done that to level up her sassiness.

No one messes up with the Queen of the house.

"Get off me, this instant and sleep on the couch."

Heaving a sigh, Sehun settled his chin on her shoulder, tightening his arms that were wrapped around her waist. "Let's negotiate."

Being the wise wife, Eun Ae knew that she was just a few steps away to kick him out of the bathroom and probably their shared bedroom. Sehun never liked arguing with her; he always chooses to back down and shut his mouth, letting go of the topic they were talking about.

And by then, Eun Ae understood what the parents of her students said about how wives were always correct in any argument with their husbands. "No negotiations. I told you, you will end up sleeping on the couch when you dared me to drink that ugly liquid, so now, see yourself outside, thank you."

"Is that so?"

 Eun Ae rolled her eyes and moved her head in a mocking manner. She was not going to fall in his trap tonight.

"Is that so?" She mocked him, copying how his voice went utterly low, before flipping her drenched hair as the shower was still on. "Yes!"

Sehun let out a snide before his lips touched her bare shoulders, certainly tempting her to give in. "Then, I won't get off you."

"What?! And why?" She almost shrieked when he sucked a small part of her shoulder blade and flicked his tongue that almost made her giggle.

Eun Ae hissed when she felt Sehun's lips curved into an evil grin.

This man, seriously.

"You told me I'll sleep on the couch, you never said I can't touch you," he stated as if he was a dubber in National Geographic and stating facts.

"You—you sneaky infuriating man!" She exclaimed, grabbing Sehun's arms wrapped around her waist, trying to pull it off of her.

Her anger rose to another level when he laughed out loud that echoed in the bathroom. She hated how his laugh could make her walls crumble down into ashes in just a snap of a finger.

Jeez, do I love this man that much?

His soft chuckles brought sweet vibrations to her body and Eun Ae knew she was starting to lose her grip from her bitchy alter.

If the tingly vibrations were not enough to bring such dizzy sensations, Sehun pressed his body against her even more, making her feel all his glory. "Come on, babe, you know I'm doing this for you and for our babies. You know I have no intentions in harming you or anything sort of that."

"But you know how much I hated it, yet you still choose to have me drink it!" She retorted although consequently relaxing from his touch as she leaned against his chest, savoring the warmness wrapping her whole.

"I know, and I'm sorry that I'm forcing you to have it, but you have to understand, little sunset, it's your health I'm just concerned of," she was barely enjoying his sturdy chiseled chest when he turned her and had her back leaned against the cold tiled wall that earned Sehun a number of daggers that pierced his skull.

Her glare immediately turned soft when Sehun securely placed his hand on her waist while another caressed her cheek.

"I love you and all I wanted is for you and our babies to be safe and healthy. It's my job to protect all of you."

"And what does that ugly liquid has to do in protecting us?" She asked, forcing herself to look at his eyes and trying not to look further down to see his glory.

A blush crept on her cheeks when Sehun kissed her forehead sweetly before going down and giving her neck another suck.

There was no doubt that she would soon empty her recent foundation bottle with the way he sucked her neck. Sehun liked her neck, no scratch that, he loved it; it was his favorite spot to linger on. Often times, she would have to cover her neck with foundation three times in order to hide the hickeys he left during breakfast.

That was the entire reason why Sehun would always be the one to buy her foundation; it was his fault that she runs out of it too fast anyway.

He was not complaining anyhow, if anything, he was enjoying it; there was even a time he bought her a dozen when they were to go on a vacation by the beach.

"Babe, do I have to explain this again?" He asked nonchalantly as he buried his head on the crook of her neck.

Eun Ae tapped her foot impatiently and almost regretted it after when she heard Sehun hissed as her most private part glided with his. And to say, Sehun was aroused at the moment would have been an understatement, because with the way she accidentally hit his glory, Eun Ae knew she was about to have a few rounds of steamy sex and all she wished for was to be able to fully bath herself after.

She hated the sticky feeling the deed leaves on her body, and she would likely berate Sehun until dawn if she would get too tired to even wash herself after.

"Yes, because I can't seem to fathom the importance of such disgusting drink in my pregnancy."

"It's going to take us the whole night to get to the bottom this, aren't we?" Sehun asked, and Eun Ae knew that he was struggling to control himself to finish this decent conversation they were having; his voice was controlled and shaky, and his grip was beginning to tighten.

"My ears are wide open, Doctor Oh and you better start explaining or you can see yourself out," she impatiently muttered wanting to finish this conversation and move on to what she was planning to do.

Her body jolted when his hot, minty breath touched her skin as he sighed, finally conceding. "You need milk for protein, calcium, and vitamin D, babe. This provides adequate nourishment for developing bones and efficient transport of oxygen to those two babies you have in your womb. More than that, it's an antacid that reduces the chances of you, having to experience heartburns and other gastric ailments that pregnant women are susceptible to. Aside from t—"

"Okay shut up, I don't understand it any longer just give me a concise answer, Mister Oh," her head spun with his in-depth explanation, sounding like the doctor he truly was.

Truthfully, Eun Ae wanted to talk to the Doctor Sehun in front of her, and understand fully the true importance of milk for her and her babies' body and health, but not having any medical background, she now just wanted to talk to the Husband Sehun who would not make her nose bleed.

Chuckling, Sehun moved his head and captured her lips in a steamy kiss, not forgetting to slip his tongue inside her wet cavern as he caressed her wet muscle with his. "Concise? Then here," he muttered, his lips still caressing hers as Eun Ae tried to catch her breath. "Milk is important."

With a flaring nose, she titled her head to side, making Sehun's lips land on her cheek. "Hmph."

Eun Ae was never moody, she was not like this when they were still dating, but the moment her womb screams she was pregnant, her hormones were just over the place together with her emotions, and at some point, she would always feel guilty in making Sehun suffer from it.

Her lips were captured once again when Sehun took a hold of her chin gently and tilted it back to where he could taste her as much as he liked. "Babe, I'm just doing my job."

"Your job as a husband or as a doctor?" She asked, puckering her lips and kissing him back but like a conservative teenager who was practicing to peck a bottle of soda just to rile him up.

A grunt escaped his lips when he was about to seize her lips in a deeper kiss but Eun Ae pecked his lips instead like a bird not wanting to be caught. "Both."

"But you're not a gynecologist, Sehun!" She exclaimed, allowing him to dip his tongue inside her mouth and taste her once again.

Sweet, he thought.

"You're a pediatrician! I don't get why you're checking me up!" She stated in a muffled sound as Sehun refused to leave her mouth, his lips still settling and carresing hers.

Eun Ae moaned and clutched his shoulders to tell him she was running out of air but being the aroused dumbass he was, he took it as a signal to deepen the kiss even more.

So, being the obedient husband, he placed his hands on her cheek, opening her mouth a little wider than before and plunged his tongue to explore her mouth like a miner in search of gold. He sucked her tongue hungrily before a wild thumping in his chest stopped him from his ministrations.

The sight that greeted him almost took his sanity, seeing his wife looking very much disheveled; her drenched hair was over the place, her cheeks were screaming with a bright shade of red, her lips were bordering to being swollen, her eyes were hazy, and her chest was going up and down as she erratically gasped for air.

She was looking too wrecked and it made her just more beautiful in his eyes.

"I'm a pediatrician by license and a gynecologist by heart, little sunset," he murmured cryptically as his eyes wandered and raked her body. She had already given birth to their first born, Mark, but she still looked sexy as ever, if anything, she even looked sexier in his eyes, and he always realizes this fact every single day he woke up with his arms wrapped around her body.

"And what does that mean?" Eun Ae asked slowly as she tried to catch her breath.

She was thankful for enrolling herself in boxing sessions that proved to be helpful, as it now saved her from dying from losing the much needed oxygen in her body due to a steamy kiss with her husband.

She was actually scared for a second that her face would have been on the newspaper tomorrow morning with a headline "A loving wife and a supposedly mother of 3 accidentally died from a steamy kissing session with her husband in the shower".

There was no way in hell she would approve of that.

"Well, that's for me to show and for you to feel," he said, licking her bottom lip, asking for access to her mouth which she declined by clamping her lips together.

A gasped filled the bathroom when Sehun snaked his hand down to her butt cheeks and squeezed them tightly, ultimately giving him the chance to slip his tongue back to her mouth once again.

Eun Ae's eyes widened when he felt his fingers reaching her most private part from behind. Pleasure immediately seeped into her bones when he ran his fingers to her slit, coating them with her juices.

Eun Ae was already aroused, well, heck who would not be when they have been in the shower for god knows how long, throwing arguements here and there with a bunch of skinship along with it. Not to mention having a hot husband rake his eyes and fingers over your body.

But there was no way she would give in, just yet. She wanted to be true to her words, once again, and that was to have Sehun sleep on the couch with a boner to deal with for the rest of the night. "Sehun!"

"I told you, we'll negotiate," he said, as he ran his long fingers along her slit before finding the tiny ball of nerve to play with.

Eun Ae immediately gasped when he pressed on her clit and rubbed it in a circular motion that almost drove her to the edge. Grasping on his shoulder, she held on him for support before glaring at him. "And I already told you, n—"

A smirked conquered his lips when she moaned loudly as he dipped one of his fingers inside her. Suddenly, all her thoughts were thrown outside the window and all she could feel was his sinful, cunning finger touching every nook of her insides.

"Told me what?" He mockingly asked, as he inserted another finger inside of her, making her grip on his shoulders tighten even more.

"I asked you a question, and I expect to get an answer, little sunset."

"I—I don't remember," she embarrassedly said as he started to pump his fingers inside of her, building her climax.

In that instant, Eun Ae was sure her bitchy alter would soon be found dead in a ditch, wigless and forever alone. Sehun was just an expert in this ministrations and she would never feel sorry for ditching her bitchy alter. At some point, she has to know her priorities, and soon, having a boner for him to deal with would be out of her checklist.

A moan escaped her lips when he latched his lips back to her neck to suck every spot there was left to be marked. "Good," he stated, before sucking hardly on one spot and encased one of her breast within his hand as the other still settled underneath her wet folds, pumping his long fingers inside of her. "Because all you have to remember is this, and me."

Sehun withdrew his fingers from her, much to her disappointment, but only for him to grab her arms and wrap them around where his neck and shoulders meet before grasping for her legs and wrapping them around his waist as he leaned her back against the cold wall.

"This is unfair, Sehun," she protested half-heartedly loving the heat spreading in and out of her, as Sehun ran his other hand behind her to reach for her entrance and plunge his fingers back to her warm insides.

Her breath hitched and she instinctively arched her back when his lips left her neck only to latch them to one of her breasts, gliding and flicking her nipple with his tongue. "I never said I was fair, little sunset," he muttered, before chuckling as he sucked on one of her crowns that sent delicious vibrations to her body.

"No! You can't negotiate using sex!" She exclaimed angrily only to moan loudly when she dragged her eyes to look at him only to find him gazing at her intently as he sucked on her other nipple. Her insides wantonly screamed, noting that, that was probably one of the hottest look she has ever got from him.

Noted.

"It's not sex, babe, it's making love," her eyes fluttered shut and her mind was hazy with the continuous pumping and sucking he was doing and in that moment she was sure it was all stupidity she could mutter.

"It's sex," she replied firmly but huskily.

A scream echoed in the bathroom as Sehun inserted another finger inside of her, stretching her wider and continued to pump them with much determination. Latching his lips at the side of her breast he left marks at the places he could reach. "I don't do sex to you, little sunset, I make love to you."

"It's still sex," she replied stubbornly.

Truthfully, her mind was already clouded by lust and all she could ever hear was the word sex or probably the last words he muttered. Unfortunately, it was sex and only sex that managed to linger on her mind, maybe because that was what she was eager to get tonight.

"It's making love, little sunset," Sehun said firmly before dragging his tongue from the base of her neck up to her chin. "Repeat after me, making love."

As lust and pleasure took over her all she could mutter was the word that managed to secure its place on her mind. "It's se—"

Suddenly, she hissed when Sehun stopped pumping his fingers, making her glare at him only to see his face, seriousness and warning screaming from his eyes. "Try me and you'll know how I do sex, little sunset," he warned her, his voice stern but absolutely hot for Eun Ae.

She knew Sehun never liked calling the deed as sex, especially when he explained to her that sex has a lot of meanings; it could be how you describe a person, an organ, or probably an activity, and he did not want to label what they were having as such, a word with too broad definition and often used too lightly as if it was nothing, when the deed was too important and too intimate for him.

And it was something Eun Ae whole heartedly agreed on, well, that was if her bitchy alter was not on; the alter who would always love to defy Sehun and rile him up, and Eun Ae was still on a search on what her bitchy alter was trying to aim for.

But one of the closest and most possible things she could think of was probably seeing him bald soon. She always teased him how bad he would look, like an American Eagle she found in one of her children's textbook.

Shrugging her shoulders and mockingly titling her head side to side she gave him an eye roll. "Whatever, I told you it's still sex."

A piercing shriek came out from her mouth when Sehun latched his mouth on her shoulder blade and bit it hungrily but not too hard for it to bleed, just enough to leave a mark and give her a stinging sensation only to be gone soon as he rolled his tongue against it before sucking and kissing it to mend the pain.

"Still angry, aren't we? Don't worry, you'll soon lose that temper and your screams will be the only sounds we'll hear," he evily and huskily taunted as he sucked every bit of skin his lips laid on. "And trust me, little sunset, I don't back down on my words."

One thing her bitchy alter hate the most was probably the tone of Sehun sounding too commanding, and there was no way her alter would just back down. "Who do you think you are, my daddy?"

Suddenly, her bitchy alter was finally found dead in a ditch, wigless, and looking so helplessly as ever, not to mention having a cardboard hanging on her neck with a statement, "dead due to stupidity”.

"Aren't I?" He asked proudly and teasingly.

Abashed, she titled her head to the side to avoid his eyes, not wanting to let him see how bright her cheeks were.

Stupid mouth!

"Sh—shut up!"

"What?" Sehun chuckled, as he dip his three fingers back inside her without any warning and began pumping them too fast and too hard to make her scream. "I'm your daddy, aren't I?"

"Shut up, you kinky man!" She struggled to say, as her eyes fluttered open and close, her legs shook, and her grip on his shoulders tightened once again. "Don't ever think your daddy kink will be satisfied tonight."

With how he pumped his fingers inside of her like in a search of something, Eun Ae knew that orgasm would soon hit her with a scream and a blinding flash of light. She moaned wantonly when Sehun sucked the most sensitive part of her neck, where her shoulders and neck dangerously meet, leaving her no option but to scream in delight.

His sucking was too hard and too long that Eun Ae knew she would have to cover it with five layers of foundation. It would surely be a pain in the ass but she would think about that later on, as she would rather choose to bask in this tingly pleasure as long as she could.

"Oh no worries, little sunset, as much as I Iike how you scream daddy, you just don't know how you arouse me a hundred times more with how you scream my name; it will always be the cherry on top," Sehun taunted, but deep within he knew he was stating a hard fact.

They always played the daddy kink game of his and he would enjoy how she would scream daddy as he pleasured her to the utmost he could. But before the deed ends, he would always ask her to scream his name, to scream Sehun, because it was hearing his name from her mouth that he knew she was truly enjoying and loving what he was doing to her, that she was genuinely enjoying what they were doing, that at the end of the day, no matter how they call it, no matter how they play with the activity and the situation, and no matter how they spice it up; they were still making love.

When his fingers found her g-spot and relentlessly shoved his fingers in and out of her, Eun Ae felt the blinding light calling for her as she gasped for air helplessly and called him with a pleading voice.

"Sehun," she called him, too breathless and sounding as if she was about to break into tears as crystals of liquid pooled in the corner of her eyes. Eun Ae knew she could no longer take more pumping and she was about to release her juices any moment from now.

Sehun pumped his fingers even faster and deeper that she screamed her lungs out only for it to be muffled as he kissed her hard; swallowing her moans and screams successfully. "Shh, no more words from you, little sunset," he said huskily as her body shook uncontrollably, orgasm taking over her body, her juices coated his fingers and squirted everywhere—the tiles, her thighs, and his lower body.

Not wasting another second, Sehun inserted his cock inside her, earning the both of them a loud erotic moan. He took a hold of her butt cheeks and pushed her body forward against him repeatedly, letting his glory touch and scrape the sensitive walls of her insides.

Eun Ae pushed herself up and clutched her arms around his neck as he slipped his cock in and out of her, eliciting a number of uncontrollable moans from her. She held onto him tightly, as the pleasure wrapped her whole.

"This isn't sex."

Her back met the cold wall once again, shivers running through her skin with the contrast of temperature she was feeling. The wall was cool and almost icy while her nether region was blazing fiery hot and it almost drove her crazy.

A sensual moan escaped her lips when Sehun titled her body in such manner where his cock hit her g-spot earnestly. "Say it," he murmured as he leaned away and looked at her with dark, lustful eyes as he continued to give her long strokes underneath. "Say that this isn't sex, little sunset."

Eun Ae swallowed the burning sensation wrapping her throat before fulfilling his command. "It's isn't se—," a shriek pained her throat when Sehun pounded faster, harder, and deeper inside her, not letting her finish her sentence.

And if she was not dazed by pleasure, Eun Ae would have been able to point out that he was surely punishing her for her tantrums from a while ago, and especially for riling him up about sex.

"What?" He said, feigning ignorance as to what she just said.

Sehun pushed her deeper into the wall before leaning away even more and hitting her g-spot spot on. He grabbed her hips and opened her legs wider to have easier access to her entrance. "I can't hear you."

Eun Ae almost sobbed when he pulled out of her, thinking he was going to leave her high and dry. She roughly hissed when he turned her gently, her front pressed against the wall and her back against his front. The coldness of the wall brought goosebumps to her skin especially when her crowns touched the coolness of the tiles.

She gasped audibly when Sehun entered her from behind, his hands firmly settling on her waist before starting to hammer her hard and fast once again. "Say it, little sunset, I'm waiting," he coaxed her huskily that almost made her scream.

Grabbing onto the wall helplessly, Eun Ae leaned away from it, hating the coldness that licked her crowns before jutting her ass out. "It isn't se—" suddenly, Sehun's grip moved to her shoulders and began pounding like an animal in heat. With the way his glory grazed her walls, Eun Ae was sure her second her orgasm was close.

"Hmm?" He asked teasingly as he retrieved his hands from her shoulders and began cupping her breast, not missing to twirl her nipples and flick them with his fingers. "Is it that hard to say?"

Eun Ae shook her head.

It was not that she did not like to say it but it was Sehun's hard and fast pounding that hampered her from doing so.

Does he think we're in some kind of quiz contest?

If his dick was not inside of her, and giving her delicious pleasures then she would have been able to utter that statement without even a single sweat, but unfortunately and fortunately that was not the case.

"Then say it, little sunset, I'm waiting," he said as he pulled the upper half of her body against him by grabbing her hands that were once on the wall and were now wrapped around his. With this position, her ass was now touching Sehun's front without him having to push himself forward.

He nuzzled her neck before sucking the spot that was already bruised from his sucking a while ago as he continued to hammer her from behind. "Say it."

"Sehun, please," she begged, when she felt her insides tingling with the continuous grazing of his cock. With the way how her hole tightened, Eun Ae knew was absolutely near. Suddenly, a frustrated sigh came out from her mouth when Sehun painfully slowed down.

Sehun pushed her body against his, wrapping his hands on her breast and loudly sucked the other side of her neck. "Not until you say what I wanted to hear," he replied sternly as he massaged her breasts and pushed his cock in out and out of her agonizingly slow.

The bathroom was now starting to be filled with sobs as Eun Ae's frustrations were slowing taking over her body, desperately wanting for release."Sehun, please, please," she begged once again, tilting her head and purposefully meeting Sehun's dark eyes with her pleading ones. "Baby, please."

But Sehun only tsked and shook his head before nuzzling her neck once again. "I'm not giving in, little sunset," he lied, because in all honesty seeing how her eyes begged him to pound in her harder and faster almost made him give in.

He would always have a soft spot for her and that would never change, but at the same time he also wanted to teach her a lesson, and as painful as it was for him to deny her, he would have to continue giving her long, slow, strokes even though he was holding onto his last thin thread of self-control of not having to bang her.

Swallowing hard and breathing deeply, trying to gain some composure and peace of mind, she tried her best to focus on the task she has to do. "It isn't sex," she blurted as fast as she could, without breathing.

A chuckle sent vibrations to her core as soon as she uttered the statement he wanted to hear. "There, it wasn't hard, was it?" Sehun asked, as she bobbed her head in agreement.

Wasn't hard my ass, if it wasn't then it wouldn't have had took me this long to mutter it.

Instantly, Sehun turned her once again and wrapped her legs around his waist before settling his hands on her waist and pushing her back against the wall. He did not even let a single sound escape her lips when he latched his mouth on hers, swallowing every moan and scream she made and tasting every corner and every nook of her wet cavern as he started to pound his cock inside and out of her with such determination.

His breath fanned her lips when he let her breathed for a second before going to back to caress it with his lips.

If Eun Ae thought that her neck was Sehun's favorite spot, then she was wrong; because every part of her body was his favorite. Each and every spot was just as beautiful and tempting as the others and Sehun just could not and could never make up his mind in choosing which among the spots would have been his favorite.

Not a minute after, his thrusts became erratic and his hold on her immediately tightened as he felt his cock close to being squeezed by Eun Ae's core; a sign that she was near to her orgasm. Being not too far away from his own orgasm as well, Sehun began pounding as fast, as hard, and as deep as he could, trying to reach the both of their climax before gently pressing his forehead on hers and settling his lips on her soft ones.

"Look at me," he said, as he gazed at her whose eyes were fluttering close. They were both near to their climax and Sehun wanted to end their steamy session, the usual way he did.

As he met Eun Ae's gaze, he smiled to her tenderly and poured all his strength, effort and heart out. "I love you, Eun Ae," he muttered firmly, almost out of breath, raw honesty and love pouring from his tone.

The once crystal ball of tears that pooled in the corner of her eyes began to fall one by one until they made a run to her cheeks. With all the strength left within her, she wrapped her hands around his head and brought his lips on hers. "I love you, too, Sehun," she murmured just in time before their orgasm hit them hard and swamped them off of their feet.

Coming down from their high, Eun Ae's legs were too numb to keep her up that she slid down, almost hitting the ground but Sehun immediately recovered and pulled her legs to wrap around his waist before gently sitting down on the bathroom tile, with her straddling him.

"I'm sorry for being a bitch," she muttered softly, brushing his hair with her delicate fingers.

Most of the time, this was how their steamy session always end; Eun Ae apologizing for her grumpy and unnecessary behavior, as she called it, that she had for the day. This was the least she could for him when all he ever did was to take care of her and their babies.

Eun Ae sighed in relief and bliss when Sehun caressed her cheek with his fingers, before giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. "You're not a bitch, little sunset," he said, as he began showering her face with soft and light kisses.

"I am, and I always pick on you," Eun Ae shook her head and fumbled with her hands. Suddenly, her hands became enchanting and she could not take her eyes away from them as she held her head low in embarrassment and guilt. "I'm so sorry."

A deep sigh escaped his lips, and Sehun took her chin and titled her head up to meet his eyes. "Hey, it's fine; it's not something you should worry about."

Leaning to his touch, Eun Ae closed her eyes, tiredness starting to seep into her bones.

"My emotions are just over the place because I'm pregnant," she explained, her head slowly becoming hazy as sleep tried to coax her to come to him.

A lingering kiss pressed on her lips and she felt his forehead being pressed against hers. "Shh, I told you you're not pregnant," he softly said, as she felt him pushing himself up before sitting down once again.

When Eun Ae began to catch her breath easier than before, that was when she realized Sehun turned off the shower a while ago when he moved up a little. No wonder she was having hard time breathing before when droplets of water entered her nose as she tried to inhale some air.

"We're pregnant," he stated almost like a matter of fact.

The sweet breeze instantly faded and Eun Ae found herself scoffing. "I'm the only one pregnant, Sehun, it's not like you're going to look like a goddamn Earth after 9 months," she sassed, rolling her eyes and pouting her lips, which did not go unnoticed by Sehun as he captured them once again with his in a long, breathtaking kiss.

"I'm not, but that doesn't mean I won't be there for you every step of the way until you give birth to our babies and you go back to your usual body," he said, pecking her lips before eventually letting them go as Eun Ae placed a finger on top of his lips.

"You never helped me exercise, excuse me," she revealed, scrunching up her brows before crossing her arms in front of chest which she slightly regretted when Sehun's eyes followed her arms and began to darken again as they bore on her breast.

Jesus freaking Christ!

A smile tugged his lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist, keeping her in place. "Woah there, little sunset, was what we did just a few minutes ago not exercise?" He teasingly asked and he stifled the laugh emerging from his throat when he saw how Eun Ae's eyes widened and cheeks instantly blushed.

"Come on, you burn an average of 69 calories every average session and if we do that about three or five times before every meal, then you'd surely go back to your usual shape in less than a month," he said, almost suggestively, wiggling his brows, teasing her half-heartedly because deep down, he liked the idea he came up with.

"Are you a sex maniac?" She asked in a blink, her tone quite offending, but fortunately it was not something Sehun held her for, or that she thought so.

Almost instantly, Sehun's taunting eyes bore on hers, and Eun Ae felt her heart thumping wildly like a teenager who saw her crush for the fifth time of the day, feeling lucky.

She knew she should have been scared because those eyes literally scream trouble but what could she do though, she was so in love with him and even those simple, petty stares still make her heart leap like a horse on a race.

"Here we go again with sex, aren't we?"

"No, no we're passed that," she blurted out too fast, not wanting to have another steamy session with him for tonight.

Her day was too packed and another session would numb her legs too much that she was sure she would not be able to get out of the bedroom tomorrow. Yawning, she reached her arms out to grab the bottle of shampoo, wanting to rinse her body as fast as she could since she could hear the bed yelling her name already. "I'm too worn out for another round."

She was just about to get a hold of the shampoo bottle when Sehun grabbed it from the holder just above her head and squeezed a sum of liquid in his hands. "Don't, I'll wash you," he said, as he lathered the shampoo in his hands and began to wash her hair.

"Wash me?" She incredulously asked, but allowed him to bath her since she was too tired to even reject and push him away. It was not like this was not in her favor anyway; she would just sit her ass down and let him do the entire job.

Sehun lathered the liquid soap in his hands before he gently washed her body, but not missing to focus on some sensitive areas that earned him a scolding after. Chuckling, he continued bathing her without any teasing as he understood that she was tired already.

"It's not like it's the first time I did this, little sunset," he said, as he held onto the tube that connected to the shower head and tugged it down to get a hold of the shower head, too lazy to stand up and too protective and cautious to choose to lift Eun Ae from his lap, not wanting his sight to leave his sleepy and vulnerable wife on her own for even a second.

"I almost do this every night because we always end up making love in the bathroom," he said, after rinsing the shampoo and soap from her head and body.

"Sehun!" Eun Ae exclaimed, slapping his arm playfully as she settled on his lap and watched him wash himself.

She moved a little to lift herself up and let Sehun bath on his own when he placed his hands firmly on her waist and shook his head, telling her not to move. Chewing her bottom lip, she nodded her head, knowing fully well what he meant.

Eun Ae knew Sehun would rather rinse her full body again after he finished shampooing and soaping his body than have her sit on the side where she might doze off and hit her head or any part of her body.

"I feel like having our bathroom soundproof should've been more logical than our bedroom, don't you think so?" He asked, as he rinsed both of their bodies. Eun Ae's head started to become hazy and to whirl that she decided to hug him and place her head underneath his chin and leaned in his chest.

Yawning once again, she closed her eyes and savored the warmness of Sehun's body that was encasing her. "Nah, I'm quite a screamer in bed, so I guess it's alright," she struggled to say as sleep took a hold of her hand and was close enough to snatch her from Sehun.

She felt a fluffy towel touching her body and soon after she felt a soft bouncy material against her back and that was when she realized she was already in bed. Rubbing her eyes tiredly, Sehun took her arms and placed them upwards as he slid a night gown on her body after putting on her panties. She smiled on the inside when she felt the flimsy dress touch her bare breasts.

Oh not again.

Sehun liked her brassieres and partnered lingeries, especially on how they accentuate her breasts sexily, but he loved them more if she would not wear them at night.

He told her how he knows how hard it was for her to wear such clothing when sleeping, and he even backed it up by telling her that it impedes circulation; hence they were better off hanging on the closet at night.

She believed his words and she does until today, but she still could not push away the thought that it was likely more for his advantage because she always wake up with a pair of lips latching on her breasts on broad daylight.

Pushing away such ridiculous thoughts, she closed her eyes shut before she felt the bed dip and found herself in encased in a pair of strong arms and a wonderful sight of chiseled chest. Eun Ae yawned once again and sighed in bliss when Sehun raked her hair with his fingers, helping sleep to take her from him.

"I love you, Eun Ae, and I'll always be there for you and our babies every step of the way. Your nagging is nothing to me, when I know you're having a much harder time taking care of yourself and those beautiful rainbows inside you, and the least I could do for all of you is take your gruntings, which are honestly not offending at all, if anything, they just turn on me on," he honestly disclosed, earning him a chuckle from her.

She nodded her head lazily and eliminated any distance between them, loving the feeling of security and safety wrapping her.

Sehun gave the top of her head a chaste kiss before hugging her tighter. "I love you, and I'll never leave you, and I hope you always remember that," he promised, with all his heart, and with all his soul.

He looked down when she slightly wriggled from his hold and he immediately loosened his grip, not wanting to hurt her in any way, even in the slightest bit.

Her hands caught his cheeks and she titled her head up, giving him a soft but lingering kiss on the lips. "I know, and we're alright, Sehun. You can always go and have your duty at the hospital. Mark is with us, too, anyway," she said, as she kept her gaze at him, while her hands soothingly and lovingly caressed his cheeks.

"You know he's just like you, but a bit more protective than you already are," she jokingly said, very softly, as her eyelids began to flutter once again.

Sehun brushed her hair away from her face and ran his thumb along her cheek. "I'd never trade any of you for my job, Eun Ae, not even for a single thing on this goddamn world," he confessed honestly, his heart in his sleeves.

A loving smile gloriously appeared in his sight before he wholeheartedly received her heart once again. "Thank you, Sehun. I love you," was her last words before dreamland fully took over her.

"And I love you, too," Sehun said, as he removed her hands on his face and placed one of them on his waist while the other one idly settled between them.

He pulled her softly, gently, and cautiously until her head rested on his arm near to his shoulders and her front was flushed against his. He took her chin for the last time that night and kissed her lips once more. "And I'll love you until forever, Eun Ae," he whispered before closing his eyes.

Sehun believed in love but never in forever after.

He knew what love was and its capabilities but never he crossed the thin line between fantasy and reality, because he knew that there was no such thing as forever, when every single thing has its own limits, that no such thing would be able to withstand and eventually conquer time; that nothing can stay the way it was and not vanish.

Time was the most powerful and hardest enemy to defeat. That was what he believed in before.

Before he fell in love with Eun Ae and realized that forever may really exist.

Maybe not in the form of time, as many usually thought it was just like how the Sehun of before believed in, but rather in the form of love.

A love that would surpass time—the actual most powerful and hardest enemy to vanquish.

A love that would never wither across time and that was what he exactly found in Eun Ae; the rare true love that not everyone gets to find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I certainly believe that this story deserves to end in a positive note, but more than that, I think it was best to showcase how Eun Ae found her happiness after all the pain she had went through; that in the end, she realized that she, too, was able to love and to be loved.
> 
> I was hesitant to share this story at first, but I'm glad I chose to write it anyways. This has a special place in my heart, and I want each and every one of you to know how self-love is very important. We tend to give everything we have for the people we love, and often times, we end up being empty when they leave. And that is where self-love comes into the picture; it is like a safety net that will ensure us to bounce back after the heartbreak, it is one the keys to keep us going, and there is nothing wrong in having regards for our own well-being and happiness.
> 
> However, I also know how hard it is for many to love themselves, especially those who continuously doubt themselves and their existence brought by unfortunate events in their lives. There are those who find it hard to believe that they deserve love and affection, and as time passes by, they end up not wanting to change as this setup had been one of the very few consistent things they have ever had in life. There are also others who keep on fighting, day by day, to love themselves. And for all of these people, I want you to know that although it is hard, I assure you that it is worth a try, and you are doing a great job in striving to attain that self-love that will soon wrap you safely. Believe in yourself that you can, you will surely be able to do so.
> 
> Apart from this, I hope that each and every one of us will also be able to appreciate and accept the love surrounding us, may it be from our family, friends, acquaintances or anyone who wish us well. It is easy for us to sit and watch, as someone shows their love to us, but it is never easy, to be on the other end of the stick, where you have to be the one to give the love (and this takes a lot of courage to do so).
> 
> Lastly, remember that you always have a choice in choosing what to feel. You can choose to wallow in pain and heartbreak or you can choose to take a step forward towards a healing journey. You can choose to crouch down and never leave the dark or you can choose to step outside and chase your freedom. You can choose to stay or you can choose to leave. You can always choose, and you can always choose yourself. :)
> 
> Love,
> 
> -J


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